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Department of the Treasury - INFERNAL REVENUE SERVICE Form 1040 (New) Please fill in all applicable blanks legibly, if you know what's good for you. Name: 5 Name (as your family knows you): 7 Name (as your girlfriend knows you [Yes, we know all about her.]): 9 Name (as you were known in the '60's; it had better match our FBI files): 11 Address (Yeah, it's been on file for years; we just like to make you write):13 Occupation (so we'll know if you're trying to screw us) 15 Check one: Indolent, decadent rich ......... ( ) Aspiring to (<--) ( ) 17 . Struggling middle-class bourgeois ( ) Barely getting by ( ) 18 . Low-life-leech-on-society ....... ( ) Space alien ..... ( ) 19 Check one: Productive overachiever ......... ( ) Kinda trying .... ( ) 21 . Lucky just to make it to work ... ( ) Retired ......... ( ) 23 . Disabled [Yeah, SURE] .......... ( ) Just plain lazy . ( ) 25 Check all that apply: Voted for Bush ....... ( ) Watch C-SPAN ... ( ) Own your own car .... ( ) Voted for Dukakis .... ( ) Watch Dan Rather ( ) Own your own computer ( ) Voted for Mr. Rogers . ( ) Watch "Dallas" . ( ) Own your own shoes .. ( ) If you checked "Watch 'Dallas'" above, please complete the following: [ Don't you know it's not on any more? . Yes ( ) No ( ) ] 32 [ Do you care? ......................... Yes ( ) No ( ) ] 33 If you checked "Own your own shoes" above, please complete the following: [ Are you prepared to learn to live without them? Yes ( ) No ( ) ] 36 [ If you checked No, please complete the following: ] [ Don't you know that you'd damn well better? .... Yes ( ) No ( ) ] 38 Enter how much money you made ................................... $_____.__ 40 Enter how much money you made under the table ................... $_____.__ 41 Enter how much your teenage kids ran up on the phone bill ....... $_____.__ 42 Enter amount you fudged on last year's tax return (We have ways..)$_____.__ 43 Enter total amount Congress should spend on the Congressional Barber Shop, Fact-finding trips to Tahiti and the Bahamas, and Ted Kennedy's entertainment expense account ................... $_____.__ 46 If you entered zero on Line 46, please read the following: [ Tough! ] [ Do you understand the above? ............................ Yes ( ) No ( ) 50 [ If you checked No, call 1 - 900 - TAX - SPEND (3 months' salary for first] [ five minutes.) ] Do you suffer from Jock Itch? ............................. Yes ( ) No ( ) 54 The heartbreak of Psoriasis? .............................. Yes ( ) No ( ) 55 The candidacy of George McGovern? ......................... Yes ( ) No ( ) 56 Can you read lips? ........................................ Yes ( ) No ( ) 58 If you checked Yes, please write to George, 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington, DC, 00000. Send resume and references. Have you ever been audited? ............................... Yes ( ) No ( ) 62 If you checked No, please read the following: [ Aah, HA! ] [ Do you understand the above? ............................ Yes ( ) No ( ) ] [ If you checked No, please read the following: ] [ You will. ] Do you subscribe to GEnie? ................................ Yes ( ) No ( ) 69 Why? ______________________________________________________________________ 70 Sexual preference (Check all that apply): Daily .............. ( ) Hetero ....... ( ) Read "Playboy" ......... ( ) Monthly ............ ( ) Homo ......... ( ) If above checked: What's sex? ........ ( ) Mono ......... ( ) With two hands ....... ( ) Multiple partners .. ( ) Stereo ....... ( ) With one hand ........ ( ) If above checked: Groucho ...... ( ) Just a few ........ ( ) Harpo ........ ( ) With wife .............. ( ) The multipler, With anyone ............ ( ) the better ....... ( ) With farm animals ...... ( ) Are you a minority? ....................................... Yes ( ) No ( ) If so, which part of you is minor? ________________________________________ Check all of the following that you know personally: John Sununu ............. ( ) Neil Bush ............... ( ) Sen. DiConcini .......... ( ) Charles Keating ......... ( ) Anybody with big bucks .. ( ) How many of the above did you check? ............................... ________ Multiply that figure by $10,000 and subtract from your tax, below. Do you read the "National Enquirer?" ....................... Yes ( ) No ( ) Do you ALWAYS drive 55? .................................... Yes ( ) No ( ) Even in your DRIVEWAY? ..................................... Yes ( ) No ( ) Do you change your own oil? ................................ Yes ( ) No ( ) Which is better (check one): IBM-PC....... ( ) Mac ......... ( ) Sinclair .... ( ) Do you date your tax forms? ................................ Yes ( ) No ( ) If so, do they have a good time with you? .................. Yes ( ) No ( ) Does your wife know? ....................................... Yes ( ) No ( ) Do you know what any of this has to do with taxes? ......... Yes ( ) No ( ) If you checked Yes, please call us and let us know. ******************** FIGURE TAX HERE ******************************** Enter amount from Line 40 ..................................... $______.__ Enter amount from Line 41 ..................................... $______.__ Enter amount from Line 42 ..................................... $______.__ Enter amount from Line 43 ..................................... $______.__ Add them up. .................................................. $______.__ Send it in. NOW! ............................................ Yes ( ) (There is no NO) ____________________________________________ SIGN, Suckah! This return is INVALID without your signature. Your check, however, is another story. Do you wish to designate an additional amount for the purpose of deficit reduction? ................................................... Yes ( ) No ( ) [ If you checked Yes, please complete the following: ] [ Are you Bloody NUTS???????????????? ........................ Yes ( ) No ( ) It's been a pleasure serving[1] you. Until next year, remember, WE'RE WATCHING! [1] screwing
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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