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 Leading Buddhists today condemned the recent rise of many
heretical versions of their faith; most of these have beliefs and
customs strangely at variance with the more orthodox forms of
Buddhism.

 For example, the Nuddhists believe that Enlightenment is a state
of being whereby believers take off all their clothes in public
without shame (e.g. in lectures, bus queues, and shops). One form
of this is Zen Nuddhism, which involves the study of mystic
koans, most of which end up with the disciples taking their
clothes off and going out for a pizza. They strive to achieve
Nervana, a state of nervelessness in which the body is nothing,
and the clothes are too. A more surreal sub-branch of this has
gone in for Mathematics and discovered Einstein's squashed clock
paradox, also known as the Dali Lemma.

 On the other hand, the Suddhists follow that great guru the
Marquis de Suddha. They tend to flagellate themselves, and each
other, a lot, and meditate with the sacred word "Ouch" (this
sometimes becomes "Ouch knee-me punch-me Ouch!")

 Meanwhile, the Fuddhists believe in the power of food to cause
gastric enlightenment. One such sect eats a whole sheep a day,
and its South American branch eats a daily llama.

 Passing over the Wuddhists, tree worshippers, we come finally to
the Muddhists. These believe that life is a long adventure game,
and that the most enlightened ones are reincarnated as wizards
and witches. They also have various sacred words, but since even
the less potent of these is liable to turn one into an earwig, it
is not always wise to utter them (unless one already is an earwig
of course).

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