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DISNEY TO OPEN NEW SECTIONS IN POPULAR THEME PARK
by David Cochran, Staff Writer

ORLANDO - Walt Disney Studios announced today the opening 
of several new sections to its DisneyWorld them park.  In 
keeping with the naming conventions of creating a different 
"land" for each section of the park, the following new 
sections will be added to TomorrowLand, FantasyLand and
AdventureLand:

Olivia de HaviLand - Dedicated to those actresses that have 
taken the art of emoting and turned it into a lifestyle.  The 
featured show in this section is the Liza Minelli Cabaret.  
Weekend services will be held at the Shirley Temple. (Early 
press releases may have referred to this section of the park 
by its working name: Judy GarLand.)

Barbara CartLand - For the romantic at heart.  This entire 
section of the park has been created from fluff, resulting in 
a visitor's inability to distinguish one place from another.  
Dry ice is used throughout the section to create the appearance 
of a steamy atmosphere, but this section is perfectly safe for 
all visitors as its actual content is completely nil.

Aaron CopLand - In memory of all of the talented American 
musical composers throughout history, this section of the 
park has taken over the distinction of being the smallest.

WasteLand - America recycles! Built entirely from recycled 
materials, this section boasts its own water treatment plant, 
glass, plastic and aluminum recycling centers, and what one 
spokesman describes as "a really, really big compost heap". 
Complimentary gas masks are issued at the entrance to
WasteLand, as all biodegradable materials are left to decompose 
at a convenient downwind location.

One-if-byLand - The American Revolution comes to life in this 
historic section.  From the replica of the Old North Church to 
the bags of Mickey-blend tea ($17.95 with tax) which may be 
dumped into the replica of Boston Harbor, the orators, locations, 
lifestyles and dress of late 18th-century America are faithfully 
reproduced here.  Visitors wearing red will be shot from behind 
bushes by Disney employess wearing tricorn hats.

ELand - Capitalizing on the success of Bambi, Disney has created 
the new deerlike character, Elbert Eland.  Follow Elbert's 
adventures through his African homeland with his good friend and 
mentor, Jumper the Rabbit.  At the end of this simulated river 
ride, join in with the poachers who set the Veldt on fire and, 
sadly, destroy Elbert's mother. When asked about the blatant 
similarities to their popular deer character, Disney spokespersons 
were quoted as saying, "Hey, we rerelease the SAME MOVIE every
year for 30 years and the little yoyos buy it!  THIS'll make us a 
MINT!"

William WestmoreLand - Riding on the success of America's 
operations in the Middle East, this section of the park focuses 
on the country's military prowess.  Unfortunately the developers 
were unable to come up with a timely name that ended in "land" so 
they just picked a relatively recent military figure and stuck it 
in, hoping that no one would notice.  Complimentary gas masks are 
issued at the entrance to William WestmoreLand, in case any unsavory 
elements should take any of it seriously.  Any patrons in William 
WestmoreLand displaying an American flag will be shot at and missed 
by Disney employees dressed as Republican Guards.  Their task is 
made easier, however, by other Disney employees dressed as CNN 
correspondents who will continually point out your location while 
visiting.

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