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[Ed: Honourable Mention in the Original Comedy Awards.]

TOP TEN REASONS Saddam Hussein didn't pull troops out of Kuwait by midnight, 15 January:

10. Busy preparing quarterly estimated tax payments

9. Figured out Bush never said January 15th, 1991

8. Tried to but entire Iraqi army sunbathing on Kuwaiti beach

7. Already answered Tommy Lasorda's request to "Give Ultra Slim Fast a Week"

6. Out shopping at Macy's White Sale

5. Didn't want to violate sanctity of Martin Luther King Holiday

4. No one told him the hostages were let go already

3. Glued to television set seeing who won Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes

2. In midst of serious negotiations with Lockheed over "invalid during act of war" clause in missile warranty

1. Still trying to meet midnight, 15 January deadline for tendering NCR shares to AT&T.

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