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Hey, you. Yeah... YOU! Pacifist type. Are you thinking "Hey, this isn't MY war." Or maybe you think, "Fifty cents more at the pump is worth my life! Heck, even sixty cents!" Perhaps you've weighed the issues, "Solar Energy... Death in the Sand... Hmmm... Solar Energy.... Death in the Sand..." Maybe you're all set, and you're ready to fight. BUT, should you decide that War is "not your thing," it could help you to know...

The TEN Ways to Avoid the DRAFT

1. Self-Exile (The Canadian Maneuver)

A popular choice during Vietnam. A classic. This is a good opportunity to "see the world." Actually, it's like being drafted in that you get to learn new customs in a different culture, (saying "eh" to indicate that you are speaking, beer drinking as an artform, finding out what a "took" (rhymes with "Luke") is and why you wear it on you head). Plus, there is always the comforting knowledge that there will always be a room (10x10x8) waiting for you back in the States.

2. Physical Phake (The Springsteen Gambit or No-Doze about it)

This is fairly easy. Simply watch 72 hours of TV straight. The VCR is ok, and so are video games, but theater movies are out. The key is the cathode-ray tube. Be sure to sit close to the set. Feel free to eat if you must, and bathroom breaks are OK, but no sleep! Caffeine is totally legal. This must be done immediately prior to your physical examination for the Armed Forces. Try not to yawn when you get there, but don't resist your urge to make guttural moans. The only disadvantage is that coming off the caffeine buzz is liable to drop you into a coma, but think of all the rock songs you can write.

3. Physical for Real (Mono on Mono or "Hello, kiss me... what's your name?")

Going without sleep has no effect on you? You've got the allnighter's tolerance? You're going to need to catch something. Virulent. This can definitely involve some interesting social interactions.

4. Ageification (The Doctor Method...who?)

Age yourself seven or so years in a hurry! This stratagem either requires some very expensive time travel equipment or your girlfriend telling you she accidentally took the Pill out of order and has been eating vitamins for the past week. In any case, an old British phone booth can be substituted for one of these methods.

5. Dopeification (Whajjuu say, man?)

The trick is to balance you inner inner cerebral whirl on the brink of the utmost ultimate hazy high while downing a fifth ducking to avoid that mind-worm and trying to find that mushroom or other tab of the really fucked up stuff and your third eye is screammmming and your head is hammmmering... and when you wake up in de-tox, the whole thing is over. Ten years ago.

6. Conscientious Objection (The "peace and non-violence, brother" strategy)

Just file for exemption as a conscientious objector. Note, you must prove (with notarized documents) that you've been an objector since age three, have a visible aura, and stigmata.

7. Captivity (Non-self anti-exile)

The default method. See, the draft is a choice. If you make NO choice at all, and just go about your life as usual, you will NOT be drafted! When you don't report to base after receiving your draft notice, the army won't make you fight. In fact, they'll take you to a maximum security penal institution for a nice long visit. (Bonus: free food, shelter, and back rubs).

8. Orientation Rearranging ("Sir, you are one HOT sergeant, sir!")

Under the sexual orientation heading of your draft acknowledgement form, check the box next to "homosexual." You couldn't beg them to let you stay in.

9. In and Out (The Max Klinger Section 8 Clause)

Sure! You'll fight! Report in. Move in to the barracks! You want to fight, yeah. Act enthused... maybe... too enthused. Talk about how you dreamed of this to your bunkmate. Be sure to keep a hollow, far away look in your eyes. It's also a good idea to twitch random muscles whenever anyone is near you. Scream "DIE" very loudly several times during the night. In the morning, say "Sergeant, Satan told me he loves me and is glad I'm here." Repeat as necessary, don't blink, and drool slightly from one corner of your mouth. Once you get to the sanitarium, cheerily convince the doctors you were just kidding and that you are actually quite sane.

10. Violence (The Last Resort)

While attending a student's birthday party during a later week of one of his hunger strikes, Gandhi was offered a piece of chocolate cake by a less enlightened disciple. The disciple then remembered Gandhi's fast and repealed the offer, apologizing. The doctors managed to sew the man's nose back to his face, but Gandhi's lesson to him is well noted. Should you find your back to the wall, here are some recommended guidelines in the use of violence: cause pain, be random, no mercy, hit, yell, kick, cheat, avoid soft things, steroids can help but watch out for liver damage down the road, pinching hurts a lot but doesn't do a lot of damage, be senseless, dominate, dominate, dominate, don't let him get away with that, take the safety off, and there are NO innocents! Sure, you may become the thing you most despise, but at least it's your fight.

Good Luck!

And remember, if things don't work out... don't forget the flea powder.

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