| RHF Joke Archives | 
+-------------------+
| Bob Villa's |
| |
| This Old Outhouse |
+-------------------+
by: Brian Switzer
July 31, 1990
[Opening credits and scenes of various outhouses redone in
the past. The camera then focuses on a scene with Bob and
today's outhouse project.]
Bob: Hi, and welcome to `This Old Outhouse'. I'm Bob Villa.
Today, we're going to install a flush toilet in this
old farm outhouse and add a tile floor and insulated
windows. Edgar Burns is the plumber who's going to
put in the toilet, let's go see how he's doing.
[Bob walks over to Edgar who's busy watching a man removing
the old wooden seat.]
Bob: Hi, Edgar. How are things going?
Edgar: Gee, Bob. Things are going pretty good.
Man: Speak for yourself. This really stinks.
Edgar: Will here is removing the old wood bench seat to make
way for the new ceramic toilet.
Bob: Great. So, Edgar, what type of toilet are we putting
in?
Edgar: It's an ordinary flush toilet like any other.
Bob: Ah, I see. And why was this type chosen?
Edgar: Because there aren't any other types.
Will: What a goof. He should be doing this, not me.
Bob: Oh. OK then we'll let you two continue on. [Turns to
audience.] Let's go see how our carpenter, Lou
Morris, is doing with the tile.
[Bob walks over to Lou who is sitting on a pile of floor tile
eating a jelly sandwich.]
Bob: Hi, Lou. This is the tile we're putting in, eh?
Lou: Yup.
Bob: What are you doing?
Lou: Having lunch.
Bob: But it's 10:30am. Shouldn't you be doing something to
prepare the tile or something?
Lou: Nope. I have to wait for those two goofs to finish
before I can do anything.
Bob: Well, I suppose so. Ok then, I'll let you go, and I'll
see how the windows are going. [Turns to audience.]
Eugene Howard is our window installer. Let's go
see him.
[We hear a loud yell and a crash of breaking glass just as
Bob turns to go to the side of the outhouse. Bob hurries to
the outhouse to see what happened.]
Bob: Eugene, are you OK? What happened?
Eugene: Oooh, that smarts. Oh, hi, Bob. Uh, I kinda dropped
the hammer on my toe and backed into the new window.
Bob: I see. What were you doing before that happened?
Eugene: I was about to remove the old window with the hammer
when I dropped it on my foot.
Bob: Isn't there a better way to remove the window than with
a hammer.
Eugene: Uh.
Bob: Ever think of using a screwdriver to remove the screws
holding in the window?
Eugene: Hey, neat idea. I'll do that after I go get a new
window.
Bob: Uh, yeah. Anyway, let's get back to Edgar and see
what's up.
[Bob heads back inside where Edgar is busy running water into
the outhouse.]
Bob: Hi, Edgar. How's the toilet coming?
Edgar: Not bad. I'm just running in the water for the toilet
and after that, I'll install the toilet.
Bob: Super. I see you're using copper pipe.
Edgar: Yeah, so.
Bob: Just thought I'd comment.
Edgar: I'll just put in the connection here like... Yargh!
[Bob and Edgar both get soaked as Edgar tries to cut into
the existing pipe without turning off the water first.]
Bob: I'll let you fix that, and I'll go over and see how our
windows are coming now.
[Bob heads over to Eugene where he has managed to remove the
old window and is sizing up the window opening.]
Bob: How are things now, Eugene?
Eugene: Pretty good. That suggestion about the screwdriver
was really good. Now I'm just enlarging the window
opening because I goofed on the size and the new
window is too big.
Bob: Oh. [Eugene then starts up a chainsaw.] What are you
doing?!?!?
Eugene: I'm enlarging the window opening.
Bob: Isn't that chainsaw a little drastic?
Eugene: No.
Bob: OK, if you're sure.
[Eugene procedes to make the window opening larger with the
chainsaw and cuts through the water pipe that Edgar installed
just a short time ago.]
Eugene: Ooops.
Bob: You'd better get Edgar on that right away.
Eugene: Hey, EDGAR!!! Sorry.
Edgar: [From a distance.] You moron!!!
Bob: Well, let's see how Edgar's been doing.
[Bob goes back inside to see Edgar who is soaking wet (again)
and just finished putting in the new toilet.]
Bob: I see you have the new toilet in now. What's the next
step?
Edgar: To fix the pipe that fool cut into.
Bob: Uh, right. After that then what?
Edgar: Then I give the bill to the owner and go home.
Bob: Oh. OK. Well then, I'll let you finish up while I go
check on Lou and the tile.
[Bob walks over to Lou who's busy opening packages of tile.]
Bob: I see you're opening up the boxes of tile.
Lou: You're very observant.
Bob: Are the tiles in this box supposed to be different than
the ones in this box?
Lou: Uh... No. We seem to have a mix up here.
Bob: Well, what are you going to do about it?
Lou: Ah... It's only an outhouse, I'll just use them anyway.
Nobody will know the difference.
Bob: Just an outhouse??? This is a very vital building here!
Lou: Give me a break. No one has outhouses anymore.
Bob: Well, just get it done, OK?
Lou: Righto.
Bob: Eugene should be done the window now. Let's go see.
[Bob meets Eugene at the window where Eugene is standing
there scratching his head.]
Bob: What's the matter Eugene?
Eugene: How come the window opens down?
Bob: I think you have the window in upsidedown.
Eugene: That would explain a few things then.
Bob: What's this little piece of wood here? [Bob pulls on
the little piece of wood and the window falls inward.
and we hear a yell from Lou and a crash of breaking
glass.] Oh, I see. Sorry, Lou!
Eugene: Fine, that's it!!! I give up. [Eugene nails a piece
of plywood over the window.]
Bob: Are you going to do this tomorrow?
Eugene: No, I quit. I knew I should have been a software
consultant.
Bob: Well, at any rate, let's see how Lou is.
[Bob goes inside where we find Lou busy dumping the glass
into the toilet.]
Lou: What the hell were you doing?
Bob: Sorry about that. Aside from the window, how are you
doing with the tile.
Lou: I was about to lay down the last tile.
Bob: Great. And the floor looks beautiful.
Lou: Thanks. Do you think you could leave for a moment?
Bob: Oh, sure. We've run out of time anyway.
[Bob goes outside to close off the show.]
Bob: And here's the end product. [Camera zooms in on the
outhouse behind Bob. It's in a shambles.] Now,
let's compare it to the before shots. Wow, what a
difference. [The before shots look much better
than the present condition of the outhouse.]
[Suddenly we hear a flush and a yell from the outhouse
followed by a splash and a resounding "ARGH!!!"]
Bob: Well, that's another job done. This is Bob Villa for
`This Old Outhoue'. See you next time.
[The closing credits scroll with scenes of the disasters
from previous shows.]
The End.
Any similarity of characters to those living or dead is
purely idiotic and such ideas should be ignored, you putz.
+------------------------------------------+-----------------------------+
| You can't have everything; where would | Brian Switzer |
| you put it? -- Stephen Wright | UOG01002@VM.UOGUELPH.CA |
+------------------------------------------+------------------>=- (munch)
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
| RHF Joke Archives |