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               Are You Ready for the Stereo Wars?


     It's September again.  You're going back to school.  Or perhaps,
while not a student yourself, you are fortunate enough to vicariously
share the thrill of the quest for knowledge by living in a college
neighborhood.  In either case, one question is probably uppermost in your
mind right now:  Is my stereo adequate to the challenge?  A few pointers
are provided below.

     SPEAKERS are of course the most important component of any stereo
system.  Yours should be matte black, and should take two people to lift
when you rent them out to bands on weekends.

     The use of a RECEIVER, the central component of many a system of
the past, is now considered touchingly naive.  Serving this function, at
a minimum, you should have a TUNER, an AMPLIFIER, a PRE-AMP, a GRAPHIC
EQUALIZER, and a REMOTE CONTROL.

     The TURNTABLE, another mainstay of the past, is becoming less
prevalent with the advent of the Compact Disk (see below).  Indeed, it
is possible to have an acceptable system which does not even include one,
provided that you make this choice evident by ridiculing anyone who still
plays albums.  If you do choose to own a turntable, it is important that
the cartridge cost more than the turntable itself.

     Unfortunately, all CD PLAYERS sound alike.  To differentiate yours
from those of your friends, try to find one that plays 12-inch video disks.

     TAPE DECKS are made by a number of outstanding companies, and
virtually any 3-head double-dubbing metal-compatible deck with Dolby B,
Dolby C, and dBx is acceptable, provided it's black.  If by any chance you
can obtain a DAT PLAYER, you are too cool to be a student, and should
probably be made president of your university.

     For the budget-minded, omit headphones.

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