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Dear Brad: Read "This Old Outhouse" on Rec.humor.funny today
and it reminded me of this 12-episode running joke I wrote
one evening after overdosing on This Old Etc.! The folks in
our research made me in charge of message-of-the-day ...big
mistake! For your enjoyment, I present...
"This Old White House"
Members of PBS' award-winning "This Old House"
television series start a year-long renovation of
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. Norm, Steve, and their
tee-shirted tool-belted tight-lipped craftspeople
rollup their sleeves. Joining the regular crew
will be cast members from PBS' "The Victory Garden",
namely: Roger Swain (the Urban Gardener) and Marian
Morash (the mean looking lady who cooks vegetables).
Episode 1: While being introduced for the first time,
First Lady Barbara Bush and Vegetable Lady Marian Morash,
recognize each other (via a secret handshake) as members
of the Sisterhood of Cruciferous Vegetable Supporters.
They start plotting to change the President's eating habits.
Things start to tense up.
Episode 2:
Roger Swain mistakes Marilyn Quayle for a piece of
decorative garden statuary and plants fast-growing ivy
at her base, er...feet.
Episode 3:
Steve is mistaken for Dan Quayle and gets to sit in on a
supersecret meeting of the National Security Council.
Meanwhile, Norm breaks through the wall of a linen closet
and finds 12 dozen pair of rubber pants with "RWR"
embroidered on the fly.
Episode 4:
Big misunderstanding on the set of "This Old White House"
today. Norm and Roger Swain, both a bit hard of hearing,
eavesdrop on Pres Bush listening to an old speech. Norm
hears "No New Axes" and believes Bush is insulting his tool
collection; Roger hears "One Thousand Points of Blight" and
thinks Bush is slamming his new garden. Construction is
temporarily halted until Steve can coax Norm back to the job;
Roger is ordered back to work by Marian.
Episode 5:
Norm and Steve find Nixon's 18 missing minutes.
Episode 6:
During a White House tour of the Lincoln Bedroom, a North
Dakota woman screams and faints dead away after seeing what
she believes is the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Secret Service
agents and a team of paramedics swarm in to attend her. In
the confusion, Roger Swain scampers away and no one is the wiser.
Episode 7:
Steve, terminal yuppie and blue-collar wanna-be, chugs just one
Coors "Lite", gets carried away at the President's 4th of July
barbecue and slaps Bush on the rear while inquiring,
"How's it hangin', Poppy?" Subsequently, Steve is berated,
sedated, and incarcerated. Norm does some fast talking to
get him released; work is again temporarily halted.
Episode 8:
Norm and Steve find General Alexander Haig who disappeared
from the public scrutiny in 1983. Dressed in his uniform
and hiding in a dumbwaiter all these years, Al still has
lots of unresolved anger.
Episode 9:
Roger Swain remains in a snit about the "Thousand Points of
Blight" and, in retaliation, digs up the Rose Garden and plants
broccoli, kholrabi, fennel, parsnips and celeriac in its place.
Mrs. Bush is thrilled, Marian starts looking up recipes, and
George thins his lips even more and begins a four-month sulk.
Episode 10:
Norm and Steve find Jimmy Hoffa in a closet just off the Blue
Room...also under the floorboards of the Pat Nixon Sewing Room.
Episode 11:
Norm and Steve find the White House basement flooded. They pump
out the water and rip up the floor to install industrial sized
drains. After work is completed, they realize they had stumbled
on the White House swimming pool.
Episode 12:
After the Rose Garden debacle Pres Bush banishes Roger Swain to
an obscure corner of the White House grounds. While digging an
asparagus trench Roger discovers a cache of gold bars left there
by a previous administration. He immediately quits the show,
moves to a penthouse in New York City's Trump Tower, and starts
eating meat.
Nearing year's end, Norm and Steve realize the remodel job
will take much, much longer than originally estimated.
>>> end of series <<<
by
Kathy Ellington
KLEllington@lbl.gov
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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