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That's right! The Borg are back! But first, some scenes from last
season's mind boggling episode of Star Trek: The Netnews Generation!
SCENES FROM LAST EPISODE--SCENES FROM LAST EPISODE--SCENES FROM LAST EPISODE
The sound of organ music, combined with the weezing noises of an oversized
coolant system emanates from the speakers.
Worf: Captain, we have encountered the Borg.
---
Reiker to Lt. Yarn: Did you find him?
Lt. Yarn: No sir, he appears to have to gone over to the Borg.
Worf: He is a Borg!
Beverly Crusher: Wait! Maybe I get him back from fullscreen. I might
be able to disable caps lock.
Worf: Riker, the borg are opening a smtp connection.
Reiker: On screen!
Picard appears wearing a JoePa Tee-Shirt, carrying a copy of Buy-The-Book.
Picard: YOU WILL BUY BOOKS AT FULL RETAIL! WE WILL DOUBLE YOUR TUITION!
ACADEMIC STANDARDS ARE IRRELAVENT! YOU WILL NOT USE SKATEBOARDS!
YOU WILL NOT STEAL MILK CRATES! OBEY OR WE WILL TERMINATE YOUR ACCOUNTS!
Reiker (turning to Worf): Fire alt.flame postings.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, for the conclusion of "The Worst of College Town Beurocracy":
[Insert neat promo-sounds here]
"Central Pennsylvania, the boring frontier. Our mission: To seek good times,
to find a quiet restful atmosphere, and a real groovy arts festival.
To go, (without getting a citation), where no student has gone before."
Star Trek: The Netnews Generation
[The Enterprise's Bridge.]
Reicher: Fire alt.flame postings.
Worf: "Firing... No effect, Commander. They can store the postings as
fast as we can send them."
Reicher: "Damn."
Wesley: "Commander, the normal netnews bandwidth isn't heavy enough to
affect them. But what if we were to hit them with a newsgroup
full of HUGE postings?"
Jordo: "He's right, Commander. They're only equipped for a normal
newsfeed. I don't think Borgnet has the bandwidth for something
like, say, alt.sex.pictures."
Reicher: "That might do it. Data, see if any nearby starbase has a newsfeed
for alt.sex.pictures."
Data: "Trying burdvax... icuvax... Ah! Decwrl has it. Opening a uucp
connection."
Rider: "Wort - feed the news DIRECTLY to their share disk."
Worf: "Feeding... no effect, Commander. It isn't getting through their
shields."
Reicher: "Map it to alt.sex.graphics. Feed."
Worf: "Still no effect. Commander, they seem to be shielded against the
entire alt.sex heirarchy!"
Rider: "Damn. Data, see if you can find a back door."
Data: "Searching... Ah! I believe I have found one. The aquaria groups
are virtually ignored. If I map it to them, modulating between
sci.aquaria, rec.aquaria, alt.aquaria, rec.pests.aquaria, and
rec.arts.startrek.aquaria, it just might thrash their system before
they have a chance to vary offline the netnews connection."
Rider: "Make it so."
[F/X: Bells, whistles, external view of netnews blasting a big blue cube.]
Jordo: "Commander, the heavy newsfeed is putting a serious load on our
external ethernet."
Rider: "Can you reroute it?"
Jordo: "I'm workin' on it (TM). Computer: Divide newsfeed between ether1
and ether2."
Worf: "Captain, the Borg have cut newsfeed for the entire aquaria
hierarchy. They knew this was coming."
Wesly: "Captain, the Borg are opening a telnet session.:
Lecutis: WE KNEW OF THIS PLAN. RESISTENCE IS FUTILE, NUMBER WJR101. PREPARE
TO ESCORT US TO COORDINATES 101.000.00.1 UNIXNET.UNIX.NET!
[Pause for dramatic tension.]
[Borg ship leaves, cut to commercial.]
COMMERCIAL:
"Secret Computer Geek Confessions! The stories that have to be told!"
[Insert picture of nerd working on a car alarm.]
Nerd: "I didn't mean to get everybody angry at me! I posted nasty
flames because I thought everyone knew I was joking!
I'm really not a yuppie, please forgive me!"
[Insert picture of twit sitting next to a NeXT machine]
Twit: "Listen, so I'm a nerd. So what! Ok. I masturbate! Big Deal!
Any guy who says he doesn't is lying!"
[Insert person whose facial features are electronically distorted to
protect identity.]
ACA official: "I sit all day, I do my job, and there's never anything
to do. So I forged all the BIFF postings! Please, please, forgive
me!"
"Shocking stories noone with a life really cares about hearing!
Just dial 1-900-GET-ALIF. 10 CPU seconds the first minute, 1 CPU
second each additional minute. Students, get your system administrator's
permission before you call."
[Back to the show, Reicher is talking to Admiral ]
Admiral: It's a terrible shame about Captain Puckard. He was the
greatest programmer in the fleet. He knew gnu software inside/out.
We'll miss him.
Reicher: So he's to be considered dead?
Admiral: If you were stuck in FULLSCREAM mode permnamently, I'd consider
you dead. It's a terrible shame. Commander Reicher, I promote
you to SysAdmin of the Enterprise.
Reicher: Thank you Admiral. Reicher out.
[The bridge.]
Worf: Do you think we could design phasors to transmit ascii characters
in modulated waves that could give BorgNet sysadmin headaches?
Data: I think so sir.
[Reicher steps in.]
Wesley: We're coming up on UNIXNET.UNIX.NET sir. We seem to be approaching
several destroyed structures.
Reicher: Parking Lot 80, Student parking in Beaver, student parking on the
streets, all destroyed by the Borg. When will it stop?
Troy [in disgust]: And all to either make space for the BorgAdmins, or
"to improve the appearence of the universe."
[ed. note: No, we are not making this up! Parking on the streets
really was outlawed because 'Streets look better without cars parked
on them!!!']
CUT TO COMMERCIAL:
[Cue in Saxaphone music... zoom in on "Easiel", wearing her white dress.
(And approximately 1/2 a gallon of red lipstick.)]
Easiel: "Don't have a life? Need a friend? Someone to talk to?
There are five easy steps to making a 'friend'"
"1) finger my name and get my UID.
2) type man (9-OH!-9-OH!) netwrite
3) now TYPE netwrite UID
4) Now HELP me with my programming project!
OH! and number five: Don't forget my UID!"
"10 men competing the first minute, 50 men competing each additional minute.
Morons only."
BACK TO THE SHOW:
[Meeting room of the Enterprise.]
Lut. Yarn: "Captain, I have an idea to get Picard back. Instead of
trying to fight our way in, why don't we just get the writers
to be open-minded to the point of ridiculousness?"
Datum: "She has a point sir. In the original Star Trek, they were many
incidents in which Kirk and Spock, and probably the rest of the
crew, shouldn't have survived. But through implausible plot twists,
they always made it back alive."
Reicher: "But that was filmed back in 60's. People don't go for implausable
plot twists anymore. That won't work in this series."
Weasely: "Excuse me sir, but may I point out how we cured Dr. Pulaski of
the aging disease, by using the transporter to return her DNA
structure to normal? Also, how that arrogant entity Q always goes
away when we whup him, rather than smearing our sorry atoms all
over the galaxy?"
Reicher: "You have a good point. Do you think it can work?"
Deanna: "It has to, Sir. Patrick Stewart has publicly announced that the
Picard character will have a much more active role this season.
Let's face it - he can't be killed in this episode. He has to
come back."
Reicher: "Jordo, do you think you can work up something thourougly
implausible?"
Jordo: "It's worth a shot, Sir. I can always channel the transporter
through the warp engines, then deflect the beam around a black hole
which should send it through a time warp, thereby hitting the Borg
vessel 4 hours ago, when their shields were down. We can also
create minature cloaking devices for the away team, so the borg can't
see them. Meanwhile, we'll seperate the saucer section from from the
main drive, because we haven't done that since the series pilot.
That should keep them confused enough that they won't notice it
when we grab Picard. Deanna can then use her betazoid capabilities
to form a vulcan mind meld with him, and with him distracted we can
beam them back around the black hole to a time in the future. We'll
then relink the ship, and when the Borg think we're running away,
we'll actually be moving so that the ship's sickbay is in the exact
location that the transporter beam will hit. They'll never know
what hit them."
(takes a deep breath) "How does that sound?"
Reicher: "It sounded great. Would you mind running through it again?"
Jordi: "Let's see. First, I channel the transporter..."
Reicher: "Never mind! Just do it."
(insert F/X here. Naturally, the plan works.)
Later, in sickbay...
Crusher: "Captain - all these Borg impliments... We were wrong about their
purpose. They don't join him to the Borg conciousness. Their
main purpose is to cut him off from reality."
Datum: "That's the key, Sir. We haven't been able to beat the Borg
collective conciousness becasue there IS no Borg conciousness.
They are a bureaucracy of administrators who have a very poor concept
of what's really going on in the world around them, and make official
decisions based mostly on personal whims. Reality and facts don't
phase them, because they can't SEE reality. Their only real
connection is in the implimentation stage - once a decision is made,
it gets carried out by all."
Jordo: "That would explain why they still use single-mainframe technology,
even though network systems have been proven better. They simply
can't see it."
....
(Later, in Data's lab)
Datum: "Now, all I have to do is link him through the transporter to my own
positronic brain..."
(Data and O'Brien throw a mess of switches, then Data hooks a pair of jumper
cables to his ears and plugs them into a socket.
F/X: Smoke comes out of Data's ears and nostrils and he falls over.
CUT TO COMMERCIAL
"This is your Positronic Brain."
(shows egg)
"This is 220 Volts."
(hot greasy frying pan)
"This is your Positronic Brain on 220 volts."
(*Crack* plop-fsssssssss...)
"Any questions?"
"Partnership for a Voltage Free Universe."
BACK TO SHOW...
[Data's lab where Data has just hooked into the BorgNet conciousness..]
Data: (Addressing Head Borg): "Surely you must see what's going on under you..."
Price Gordon (the head borg): "CAMPAIGN FOR BORG STATE. WE ARE GETTING
LOTS OF MONEY TO HIRE MORE BORGS. WE NEED TO HIRE MORE BORGS TO CONTINUE
THE CAMPAIGN."
Data: (Communicating through BorgNet): "Yes, but why don't you retire
so that a new committee could form to find a replacement for
you thereby making even more Borgs?"
Price Gordon: "YES, THAT IS GOOD EVEN FOR AN INFERIOR DROID SUCH AS YOURSELF.
I SHALL APPOINT A REPLACEMENT HEAD BORG THAT UNDERSTANDS THE
MEANING OF BORG STATE PHILOSOPHY: PROFIT."
[SCENE: Borg ship command headquarters. The new head Borg walks up.
It's obviously a modified Ferengi.]
CRATIBIS: "I SHALL LEAD BORG STATE TO HIGHER LEVELS OF PROFIT."
[Lucutis realizes what's going on and tries to use his IBM Plotter
pen arm to destroy his data-switch connection to BorgNet.
Data stops him by disabling his caps-lock key.]
Captain Puckard: "Buy the Book. Buy the Book."
Troi: "That's not Lucitis. That's really Captain Puckard!"
Data: "I think he wants me to insert sub-commands to Borg Beurocracy
to waste money on surplus unsellable Joe Paterno Auto-Biographies."
Jordo: "We can even insert a command for them to buy up all the
marked down autographed editions!"
SysAdmin Reicher: "Make it so."
[Much beeping and ethernet traffic as the blinking lights on the side
of Data's console go on and off...]
Jordi: "It's working! Joe Paterno's Auto-Biography is putting
the Borg administration to sleep!"
Worf: "SysAdmin. The Borg ship is regenerating beurocracy as money
pours into the Borg Bookstore on overpriced products. Bankruptcy
of this Borg Branch Campus and loss of it's Alumni will occur
any moment now."
Data: "SysAdmin Reicher, the Borg ship could be useful for study.
We could possibly retrain them to do useful things, like train
the Borg Cops to solve real crimes instead of issue parking tickets."
SysAdmin Reicher: "Nahhhhh. Fuck 'em."
[Borg ship blows up as it loses it's land grant. The Enterprise disconnects
just in time.]
[Later, in Captain Puckard's study...]
Reicher: "How much do you remember, sir?"
Puckard: "10 PRINT 'HELLO' 20 GOTO 10"
---
"This jacket represents my individuality | sobleski@cs.psu.edu
and my belief in personal freedom." - Sailor 'Wild at Heart'
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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