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      "Madge, I just don't know what I'm going to do!  I've tried
everything I can think of, but I just can't get rid of these unsightly
spots on my crystal!  I just know that when my husband sees another
glass with spots on it, he's going to leave me for sure!"

     "Why, Linda, I know just the product that will change your life
from the loathesome hell it is to a beautiful and happy orchard of
delights!  Yes, you just need to try new DoveChains from MEGO
Industries!"

     "DoveChains?  Madge, this is just a box of heavy-duty steel chains
and manacles--how's this going to get the spots off my crystal?"

     "Linda, Linda, Linda, with DoveChains, you can have spots on your
glasses that look like roadkill--if you've got a husband who's dumb
enough to leave you because there are spots on the glasses, simply
attach DoveChains to his wrists and ankles, and you'll never have to
worry about him walking out again."

      "Thanks, Madge.  I'll give them a try!"
 
 
      <Welcome back to ThirtySomething Mutant Ninja Turtles.  You'll
remember from last week that Raphael had just told Borgia that he
wasn't sure where their marriage was going and he wanted to spend some
more time alone.  Michaelangelo had finally decided to go out with
Estienne (who had been secretly admiring him from afar since last
season) and they had had a wonderful time, up until she suddenly
realized that there was a possibility of a genuine relationship between
them, so she locked herself in the bathroom until he left and took the
Doritos with him.  And, as we last left off, Leonardo was listening to
Donatello explain the troubles he was having with his boss at the
advertising agency.>
 
      "Leonardo, I don't know what it is, but she's just cutting down
everything I produce--I don't know what she has against me, because
she's not doing it to anybody else.  I mean, on the Horbett Account,
she shot down my idea of building a campaign around the slogan
'Horbett Farms--It's Simply Radical, Dude!' without even taking a
moment to think it over and then turned around and nodded approvingly
at Bert's lame idea of 'Horbett Farms:  We Bottle Sunshine and Call
it Milk.'  I mean, it seems like she's had it in for me ever since I
started working there.
      "Oh, hi, Medici, I didn't know you were home.  Did you drop
Botticelli off at little league practice?"
      "Yeah, I got home half an hour ago.  I even managed to get him
there early this time.  I worry about him though, Donatello; he says
everything's fine, but I think the other kids have been teasing him
about being green and having a shell.  Oh, well; would you and Leonardo
like some bran muffins?"
      "Gee, thanks, Medici, but I don't think we're really all that
hungry right now."
      "Hey--just kidding, Donatello!  Actually, I brought pizza."
      "Pizza!!!  Cowabunga!"  <Insert sounds of three thirtysomething
mutant ninja turtles converging on a lone, defenseless pizza.  Segue to
Michaelangelo wandering around his house, looking thoughtful, presumably
thinking of the previous night with Estienne or perhaps trying to
remember where he left the can of Pringles.  Eventually, even the
director realizes that nothing is particularly likely to happen here and
decides to break for another commercial.>
 
 
      Tough day at the office?  Kid's got an earache?  Time to do your
taxes?  Now, more than ever, is when you need
 
                         T U R T L E   P O W E R
 
      That's ThirtySomething Mutant Ninja Turtle Power--feel it flow
through you when you go to work with your ThirtySomething Mutant Ninja
Turtle briefcase, send the Heitmann Report to the main office on your
ThirtySomething Mutant Ninja Turtle plain-paper Fax Machine, give your
kid a couple of ThirtySomething Mutant Ninja Turtle Aspirin, and do
your taxes on your ThirtySomething Mutant Ninja Turtle multifunction
financial calculator or even with new TurtleTax, the same computer
program (available for both IBM and MacIntosh) that Leonardo himself
uses to file his returns!
 
      Don't you think it's time you got a little Turtle Power?
 
                      <And now back to our program.>
 
      "Estienne, this is Borgia.  Do you have a moment?  I've got to
talk to somebody.  Thanks.  It's Raphael--I don't know how much longer
I can deal with his moody spells.  It's not like anything's wrong--I
think everything's fine and then all of a sudden he decides that he
can't see where our marriage is headed and he needs some time to do
'some, like, heavy thinking, you know.'  Thanks, Estienne, it's just
as if he becomes a completely different turtle when these things hit.
One moment, everything's great and the next it's totally gnarly.  If
I didn't love him, I think I'd make him into soup or something."
<The director, satisfied that a sufficient quantity of genuine human
feeling has been squeezed into half a telephone conversation, switches
back to Michaelangelo who continues to look around the kitchen, an
empty can of Pringles now being evident on the table towards the left
of the screen, letting us know that he is no longer pondering the
location of the Pringles and that his mind has turned to deeper
thoughts, either about whether he should call Estienne at this moment
or perhaps about whether he'd rather microwave the leftover pizza or
devour it cold.  Suddenly his eyes light, and he reaches towards the
phone--no, towards the temperature control on the oven:  he's decided
to bake the leftover pizza in a conventional oven!  This, however, is
threatening to be more action than a single episode of ThirtySomething
Mutant Ninja Turtles could possibly contain and so, it's time to end
the program.  Roll credits.>
 
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The Unnatural Enquirer, (C) 1990 by Trygve Lode   (tlode@nyx.cs.du.edu)
May be reproduced and distributed freely in unmodified form on a
noncommercial basis provided that this notice remains intact.
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