| RHF Joke Archives | 
{ed A somewhat long, somewhat marginal piece, but hey, it's August and
what do you expect?}
[My roommate, Dan and I thought of this while watching late night idiotic
television commercials. T.V.: where would our life be without it?]
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene opens with black screen. Small black and
white photo of pitifully deprived Ethiopian child
appears full screen and zooms to upper left
corner, one third height and width of the screen.
Fade in sappy, sad violin music.]
Deep female voice: Poverty...
[Picture of another starved child in a hospital
appears and zooms next to the previous picture.
Continue tiling a total of nine pictures during
introductory voice over.]
Deep female voice: Sickness... Famine... War... Drought...
Suffering... Children bathing in the same disease infested
waters that the animals drink from... Rats gnawing at small
children's bones.
[Dissolve to: image of ``Warm Caring Motherly
Washed-Up Ex-Television Star'' who can't get work
anyplace else, sitting on stool, fades into view.
Camera slowly zooms to head/shoulder view.]
WCMWUETS: You can help. Thousands of children a day become ill, die, or
are brutally tortured in the name of science in hundreds of
ass-backwards third-world countries around the world.
[Pause, music fades out]
WCMWUETS: How much does it cost to save a child's life? For the cost of
a Nintendo cartridge, two Big Macs, and a pair of tickets to see the
Dodgers (upper deck), you can start doing a world of good. Tell them,
Don Pardo!
Don Pardo: Yes, Gloria, for only $9.95 you can start your
membership in the Columbia Mint/Time-Life Save The Child of
the Month Club! You'll be saving children from...
[Cut to collage of stills depicting children
in various depraved (uh, deprived) states.
Including several ugly and dirty (but cute)
babies with disgusting ``C.A.R.E.'' gruel on
their faces. List of countries scroll up the
screen, Star Wars style, white letters, every
fourth in yellow, with their names announced
by Mr. Pardo.]
Don Pardo: Nigeria... Ethiopia... China... Mozambique...
Zimbabwe... South Africa... South Carolina... Beverly
Hills... AND if you're one of the lucky first one hundred
callers, you could save a child in... Panama... Nicaragua...
East L.A.... or even a slum local to your own home town!
Call now, with your Visa or Master Card, and your first child
will arrive, postage paid, for the amazingly low price of $19.95,
plus $39.95 shipping and handling. If you have pity on the
downtrodden child, do nothing and more children of the month
will arrive one at a time every other month, and your credit
card will be billed for only $79.95 a month! If for any
reason, you're not completely satisfied, write cancel on
the bill and keep the first month's child as your free gift!
[Cut to bright blue screen with large letters
and stylized credit cards in upper corners]
+-----------------------------------------+
| visa Columbia Mint / Time Life m/c |
| Save the Child of the Month Club |
| |
| 1 - 900 - USA 4 KID |
| |
| or Write: |
| |
| CM/TL STCOTM Club |
| 1 Rockerfeller Center |
| Box 350 |
| Boston, MA 02134 |
| |
| No COD's -- Limit 1 per household, |
| Kids, Get your parents' |
| approval before calling! |
| |
+-----------------------------------------+
Don Pardo: The first 1000 callers receive a the free 8 page _book_:
``Fran Tarkinton's How to Get Rich in Real Estate While
Staying Young With Oriental Beauty Secrets.''
[Dissolve bad to the frump sitting on the stool,
quarter face shot.]
WCMWUETS: (in sexy voice) You get so much, and it's sooo
(licks lips) easy to do. (in pleading voice) Call now.
It's the right thing to do.
Don Pardo: Act now and we'll throw in a free Soloflex home
entertainment and bondage system!
[Aging actress falls off stool. Fade to black.]
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
| RHF Joke Archives |