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This following piece was written by my friend Mark Purkis, printed with
his permission and for which I will accept full responsibility.
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By Mark Purkis


                        The Human Language
                        ------------------

     Victor Cartez has written a Portuguese-English phrasebook the likes
of which I have never seen. Somehow, this brave soul not only managed to
have the book published, but has, as of last week, attained the rank of
"best-seller". This remarkable feat is made all the more remarkable by
the fact that Cartez has little or no command over the english language.
His phrasebook, entitled " Right English As She Is Spoke ", is the best
selling phrasebook in the history of print and the reasons, as we shall
see, are far from obvious.

     His book begins with a dedication that begins as follows:

          Of this book, of which we give him assurance,
          utmost to themselves which travel, is especially
          of worth to him the youth of which may practice
          him to persuade this land to one.

     Cartez then stylistically translates from english some "familiar
phrases" that travellers would find useful on their trips:
          
          Flat, hard eggs and pig strips for to eat
	  Do to disturb us not
	  How to the port of aeroplanes?
          Dress your hairs
	  Do you cut the hairs?
          Do you taxi to the port of the aeroplanes?

     He then continues onward with some "familiar dialogue" which
includes "for to wish the good morning" and "for to call the
breakfast"...

	  Dialogue 7- For to ride a taxi: "You man!
          The driver of taxis. Stop before me that
          may enter. Your ignorance to cause my
          wetness! No coins for your pocket, man. To
          my place does she travel?..."

     For the Portuguese traveller who likes to come across as a witty
fellow, Cartez has included a delightful section on "Anecdotes". This
one is guaranteed to leave you in stiches:

          A fellow there was, with thirst, crawling at
	  the desert, who did meet on man of selling.
	  Try to him a tie to sell. This fellow does
	  refuse and to crawling he goes. At a time that
	  is later a man of selling that appears to him
	  a tie to sell. He say "No". To crawling he does
	  return. A place of drinking he does find where he
	  cannot for his tie of lacking.

     It really is hard to top that, but Cartez manages to out-do himself
in his most useful section... "Idiotisms and Proverbs":

	  The stone as roll not heap up of grass
	  To hatch and the chickens not count
	  The dog then bark not bite
	  A bird with hand better than two bushes
	  A horse he is given without into the teeth is looked

     This literary genius didn't even have an English-Portuguese
dictionary on hand. He was, however able to get a hold of a Portuguese-
German, German-French, and French-English dictionaries through which he
mangled the "English speak". Where else could one find the expression:

                        "To skritch a marmoset"

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