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I got this from Bob Gajarsky, a.k.a. Inspector, at Stevens Institute
of Technology.

{ed It's about bitnet RELAY, but applies to just about any CB/Chat
system}

-------------------------------------------------------------------------
          Inspector's Relay Hints



     GUYS!!!!!


               GIRLS!!!!!



     Can't find a mate on your own?  Are you obnoxious to others when
you meet them in person, or just plain annoying?  Do you live a life where
you dream about that special someone from another school, someone who
you've never met before?  Then you want to join the meat market out there...




               RELAY!!!!!!!




     Yes, the place where you too can experience the thrill of enjoying
someone else's company without ever meeting the person...


     Find that you are a female, and not many people talk to you?  Just
go on to relay, and watch the guys come FLOCKING to you.  It first starts
with a simple hello, then BAM!!!!  private messages, then the DREADED ID file,
then an exchanging of photographs, then the guy wants to come over and visit
you in person!  He'll usually ask for some measurements from you, seeing as
he's already told you how hard it is to be humble when he has a ten inch
"schlong" (thanks, Bob!).  Tell him you are a 38-26-34, he'll love you!
Doesn't matter if they are accurate or not, because if he ever meets you
in person, he won't care anymore - it will be one of the few times he has
ever actually TALKED to someone of the female gender.  Unless you count
the time he swore at the computer voice on that video game.




     Guys - can't seem to find that girl of your dreams?  Can't seem
to find ANY girl?  Don't even know what a girl looks like?  Well, hop on
the relay bandwagon.  Pick a channel, any channel.  Doesn't matter, they're
all the same (unless you are gay - then you want channel 33!).  Anyhow,
get on, and say hi to everyone; it's the polite thing to do, and a nice way
to try to accomplish what you want (get a girl, ANY girl, in the sack).  Start
talking to people - if you talk to another guy, chances are he won't answer
because he is trying to pick up GIRLS, not guys.  He doesn't want you.
So don't talk to him (unless he knows some girl, which he probably doesn't).

     Soon, you will find that the ratio of guys to girls is even worse
than that here at Tech, which means at least 7 guys to 1 girl.  If you are
real lucky, you'll get on a channel with 3 girls.  So, now you've started
talking...

     First, gotta find a nickname.  If you are male, try hardbody,
or teninches!, or girlsluvme, or something equally untrue and inappropriate.
Females - choose something like Manhunter, 36D, or luvbutts!  It will
get people of the other sex talking to you.

     You're wondering why several of the other guys on the channel are
suspiciously quiet.  Well, they're NOT quiet - they're sending private
messages to the lone girl on the channel, or to a girl on a private channel!
So, you better join in - pick any girl at random, and start sending her
private messages.  Start telling her about how you are great at the latest
video game, how making love is SO difficult lately (no girl can seem to resist
me!  what will i do?), and why classes are so hard lately {but then again,
everything is hard with me! * hee hee * :-) }.

     Always remember to put in * hee hee * , * grin *, and other things
like that.  Makes it appear that you are human.  It's just an act, though.

     OK, now you've got this girl in your sights.  She's actually talking
to you, and she's put up with your gibberish about your sex life.
Occasionally, you and she talk about things in the REAL world, but both of
you seem at a loss for words.  Can't talk about what you don't know.  After
some small talk, you must send her your id, and maybe if you are lucky,
get one back.  OK, here's Joe Goofball reading it...

     "She likes horseback riding, romantic evenings, candlelight dinners,
kissing (Joe blushes - he's never KISSED a girl before, unless you count his
sister), and watching T.V. (Joe is finally happy! - he watches T.V. all the
time, when he is not on relay!)"

     Next time Joe logs on relay, he finds this hot (cough! cough!) girl
on relay.  Try having compusex with her!  It's a fun, safe way to give
yourself pleasure you can't get any other way.  Just ask her (through private
messages, of course!) if she wants to have computer sex with you.  She'll
probably want to, of course.  So, just act along with her - she might know
more than you about it, anyhow.  It'll give you something to dream about,
unless...

     You actually want to MEET this person!  Doesn't matter if she lives
10 miles away, or across the country.  You can fly out to meet her.  If she's
as desparate as you are, she'd love to have you come out to meet her.  Maybe
you two can spend an evening together on the computer or something...

     Or, you can be like a person from Philadelphia...who "found" the
perfect girl for him.  They exchanged letters, and phoned each other
constantly.  Finally, he decided to visit her (note that no pictures had been
exchanged) in Michigan, and flew up there.

     He was in an all girls dorm, and when he met this girl, she was
"the ugliset, fattest girl i had ever seen" {his quote - i can only guess
how boring he was}.  So, what did he do?  (his quote again) - "I slept
with her".  Why, you ask?  "Because I had to get something for my money".

     If you don't want to meet the girl in person, YET you have had
compusex with them...what better way to show your love for this person that
a relay marriage?  Relay marriages are safe, you never have to worry about
alimony, AND, in Bitnet land, bigamy is legal!!!  So, get married to two
or three people - have computer sex with all of them - it's safe, fun,
and you don't have to worry about any nifty diseases...


     Wait, you say!  You don't want to pick up a guy or girl for life on
relay?   You're a girl, and afraid that some guy will try to pick you up?
Well, you can either 1) sign on to relay as a guy, and talk normally or 2)
"If you're from Stevens Tech, I'm a guy!  Really!" [thanks, Jenny!]



     The hardest trick of all is to find a person on relay who is
actually three dimensional.  Most are two dimensional - just like the video
screen that they are looking at.

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