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About a month ago, I asked for real life headlines from such magazine as
Weekly World News (well, "real life" is a subjective term, here). Anyway,
I promised to summarize the results I received, so here dey be...
From: willey@arrakis.NEVADA.EDU
RUSSIA CLONES 600 HITLERS! [Weekly World News]
TELEVANGELISTS ARE ALIEN BEINGS [Sun]
REAL LIFE "SHOP OF HORRORS" [Weekly World News] (woman eaten by plant)
SURGEON READY FOR HUMAN HEAD TRANSPLANT [News Extra]
TEENAGER "CURED" BY ATTEMPTED SUICIDE [San Diego Tribune]
MAN WEDS 20 WOMEN IN ONE YEAR [National Examiner]
DOLLS IN THE SLAMMER [Sun]
THE CHICKEN THAT ATE CHERNOBYL [Sun]
MOM TRADES TWINS FOR LOTTERY TICKET [National Examiner]
TWO-TOED E.T. CHILDREN [Sun]
THE SAVAGE THRONE [Province] (woman's intestines sucked out when toilet
flushed)
KHOMEINI HOOKED ON "HAVE GUN WILL TRAVEL" [Weekly World News]
HER SON IS A WEREWOLF [News Extra]
FORMER NUN JILTS HUSBAND FOR LESBIAN LOVER [Sydney Dailey Mirror]
PREACHER GOES TO HELL AND BACK [Weekly World News]
DOCTOR FREEZES DEAD FIANCEE [News Extra]
WORLD'S FATTEST MAN BREAKS SCALE [Flint Journal]
QUADRIPLEGIC SHOT WIFE WITH TEETH [Pensacola Florida News Journal]
SPACE ALIEN CURES TEEN'S ACNE [Sun]
FERGIE'S BABY IS UFO TARGET [Weekly World News]
BODYBUILDER EXPLODES [Sun]
BULLS SUED FOR "COW-TOWING" [Capital Times]
FAN SWALLOWS REMOTE [Sun] (man swallowed remote control and changes channels
by hiccuping)
TAMMY FAYE'S DEVIL DOG [Weekly World News]
HITLER WAS A WOMAN! [Weekly World News]
EARTH IS A GIANT EGG [Sun]
WOMAN MARRIES SPACE GOD [National Examiner]
PINT-SIZED FALWELL SUSPENDED [Newsday]
BABY ADOPTED BY ANTS [Sun]
RAVIOLI WORKER ROLLS IN DOUGH [New York Times]
WITCH DOCTOR SHRINKS DICKS [Weekly World News]
COLONEL QADDAFI HOOKED ON THREE STOOGES [Weekly World News]
WALKING CATFISH EATS FARMER [National Examiner]
SOUTH RAVAGED BY WEREWOLVES [National Examiner]
DOOMED CANNIBALS ATE AIDS VICTIM [Weekly World News]
FACTORY WORKER THINKS HE'S DIED AND GONE TO HELL [Son]
ALIENS WROTE THE CONSTITUTION [Sun]
TRANSVESTITE CHESS CHAMP [National Examiner]
WIFE TAKES LIFE WHEN LATE WITH LUNCH [San Francisco Chronicle]
WIFE SLEEPS WITH DEAD HUSBAND [Houston Post]
CANNIBAL SINGING SENSATION [Weekly World News]
ROACHES TAKE OVER NEW YORK CITY BUS [Boston Globe]
PLUMBER GOES DOWN THE TOILET [Sun]
NURSE SAVES DYING ALIEN ABOARD UFO [Sun]
From: pbe@hplb.hpl.hp.com
"3 inch dog ate my Missus" (Missus = wife in slang English)
"No. 67 bus found on far side of moon" and a week later...
"No. 67 bus mysteriously vanishes from far side of moon"
[ All from The Sunday Sport ]
From: gt2868a%prism@gatech.edu
"Cabbage-patch Dolls are being possessed by the Devil"
From: stogner@cs.unc.edu
"Pope Arrested in Pizza Case" [ Durham (N.C.) Morning Herald -- a "real"
newspaper -- the arrestee was James Pope ]
"Chinese Protest Mushrooms" [ Columbia Journalism Review, the publishers of
"Squad Help Dog Bite Victim" ]
From: bob@datran2.UUCP
Regarding tabloid headlines, don't miss Arnold Sawislak's terrific novel,
"DWARF RAPES NUN; FLEES IN UFO"
I've just finished reading William Kotzwinkle's novel,
THE MIDNIGHT EXAMINER
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Tabloid headlines include:
UFO FOUND IN GIRL'S UTERUS
and
UFO CAPTAIN STABS PEDESTRIAN WITH SWORD OF LIGHT
Thanks to all of you who sent me stuff. If anything ever comes of what I
needed it for, I'll keep the .net informed. Hmm, "UFO found in girl's
uterus." That has interesting potential...
--
Jim Drew (aka Crd. Xin) "Support the United Necro College Fund.
jdrew@cs.uoregon.edu A body is a terrible thing to waste."
(From the "Rest" of RHF)
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