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 (I heard this joke a few years ago on vacation in Austria from a German girl.
  When I started telling it a few months ago during a family birthday, like:
  "Do you know that one about Straus", everybody burst out in laughter.
  How could I have known he died just that morning! For non-Europeans: 
  Straus is, sorry, was, a very fat German politicien, say 150 kg, 
  300 pounds. I'm sure other nations can think of similar man. 
  Anyway, here's the joke)

When Straus went to a meeting one morning at 11 o'clock, he told his driver 
to have lunch in the mean time. Later on there would be little time for such
banalities. So the driver went into this restaurant, ordered a glass of beer, 
a turtle-soup and a schnitzel. After 15 minutes he asked for one more beer 
and after 30 minutes, having finished his second beer as well, he asked when
the soup would be ready.

"One moment please, the cook is working on it," the waiter said. 

Another 10 minutes passed so the driver went into the kitchen to find out 
for himself why it took so long. In the kitchen he witnessed the following
The cook was standing at the table with a turtle in his left hand. With
his right hand he tried to chop off the turtle's head. But everytime the knife 
came down, the turtle, naturally, draw his head back into his protective shield,
so the knife hit only air. 

Having seen the cook miss a few times, the driver walked over to the table, 
said to the cook, "Let me handle this," and put his finger in the turtle's ass, 
The turtle, of course, stuck out his head in despair, whereupon the driver cut
it off quickly.

"Jezus, where did you learn that?" the cook asked.

"Well," the driver said, "I'm Straus' driver and how else do you think
I can put his tie on each morning."

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