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(This is original.  I posted it some months ago in talk.bizarre, and
some people wrote back saying that they thought it funny.  It was a bit
dated even when I wrote it (I don't watch much TV), but I think that
lots of people might be amused even if they never saw or can't remember
the original commercial.)


[Scene: A MAN walking along a rocky seashore, accompanied by his dog,
SANDY.  He does various things: tosses rocks into the sea, tosses sticks
to the dog, sits musing and gazing out to sea, etc. during the... ]
VOICEOVER: At Howlett-Packer, we never stop asking: ``What if?''  We hire
people who can't keep their minds off the problem at hand: people who work
on it... muse over it... become obsessed with it... won't give up as long
as they think an answer might be possible...
[The MAN has had a sudden inspiration!  You can see it in his face.  He
calls to his dog -- he's going to go write it down, tell somebody about it,
something of that nature.]
MAN: Sandy!  Hey, Sandy!
[SANDY, superbly trained, trots obediently to his side.  The man starts
telling SANDY about his idea -- who else is around?  Anyway, he might forget
it otherwise.  They start to walk inland.  The camera follows at a slight
distance.]
MAN: Sandy! [Dramatically]  What if... we tried [insert appropriate technical
jargon here] and then [more jargon].  How about that?
SANDY: It'll never work, Dave. [SANDY's voice is very doggy: gruff and barking,
but not hard to understand.]
MAN: What?  Why won't it work?  It's a brilliant solution!
SANDY: I'm afraid it's theoretically impossible.  Didn't you read my paper
in _Acta Informatica_ last year?
MAN: I'm not a theoretician, Sandy.  I just implement things.
SANDY: Dave, I know you don't take me seriously as a theoretical computer
scientist because I'm your dog, but really you should keep abreast of the
developments in your field.
MAN: But Sandy --
SANDY: I don't want to sound ungrateful, but I turned down that endowed chair
just last month.  Well, actually it was an endowed dog bed, but you must admit
it was a tempting offer.  And that visiting-professor post in Amsterdam --
well, I admit my Dutch is a bit weak -- and [sorrowful] you don't even read
my journal papers!
MAN: I'm sorry, Sandy.  Maybe you'd be better off on your own...
SANDY: Dave, I'm your _dog_.  We dogs are very big on loyalty.  You know
that!  It's hard to find that kind of loyalty anywhere else these days.
Your wife ran off with that software engineer --
MAN: [Agitated] San-dy!  Please! [Calmer] Look, Sandy, if you're right,
I'm in trouble.  My boss...you know what he's like.  You know what the
whole company is like.
[They stop.]
SANDY: You want my help with this, Dave.
MAN: I'll do anything within reason.  Really.
SANDY: No more generic dog food?
MAN: Never again.  I promise.
SANDY: One of those cedar-filled dog beds?  Extra-large?
MAN: Don't you know how tacky those are?
SANDY: [Slightly provoked] Da-ave!  C'mon now!  Weren't you serious?
MAN: Okay, okay!  What else?
[They start walking again, very slowly.  The camera remains stationary.
Eventually they walk into the distance, but we can hear the following,
fading slowly:]
SANDY: No more of those sluts from the City Pound.
MAN: Aren't they good-looking enough for you?  I try to get the best.
SANDY: They're all hardened characters.  They've got fleas!  I want one of
those groomed, high-priced AKC bitches.
MAN: Those're all airheaded snobs!  Overbred!  What was wrong with that last
one I got you?  She was obviously from a good home.  Her owners must've just
gotten tired of her and turned her loose.
SANDY: The life of the streets, the pound -- it changes them, Dave!  She
was... she'd been through some awful experiences.  Kept crying and trembling,
couldn't loosen up for a second.  I felt sorry for her, but you couldn't have
expected me to cater to her emotional needs and carry on world-class scientific
research at the same time!
MAN: All right, all right. [Gently sarcastic] I suppose you want a mirror on
the ceiling above the dog bed?
SANDY: Well, Dave, now that you mention it...
[Fade out.]

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