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For those of you who are cook-book field service types...
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From: rob@amber (Rob Adams x5527)

SYMPTOM:	 Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
		 beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT:		 Glass empty.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:	 Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction,
		 and the front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:		 Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to
		 wrong part of face.
ACTION REQUIRED: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror.
		 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique.

SYMPTOM:	 Feet cold and wet. 
FAULT:		 Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION REQUIRED: Turn glass other way up so that open end points
		 toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM:	 Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:		 Improper bladder control.
ACTION REQUIRED: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while
		 complain to the owner about its lack of house
		 training and demand a beer as compensation.

SYMPTOM:	 Floor blurred.
FAULT:		 You are looking trough bottom of empty glass.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find someone who will buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM:	 Floor swaying.
FAULT:		 Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to
		 air-hockey game in progress.
ACTION REQUIRED: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

SYMPTOM:	 Floor moving.
FAULT:		 You are being carried out.
ACTION REQUIRED: Find out if you are taken to another bar.
		 If not, complain loudly that you are being kidnapped.

SYMPTOM:	 Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and
		 flourscent light strip across it.
FAULT:		 You have fallen over backward.
ACTION REQUIRED: If your glass is full and no one is standing on
		 your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone
		 to help you get up, lash yourself to bar.

SYMPTOM:	 Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts.
FAULT:		 You have fallen forward.
ACTION REQUIRED: See above.

SYMPTOM:	 Everything has gone dark.
FAULT:		 The Bar is closing.
ACTION REQUIRED: Panic.

SYMPTOM:	 You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet.
		 You cannot see your bedroom.
FAULT:		 You have spent the night in the gutter.
ACTION REQUIRED: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet.
		 If not, treat yourself to a lie-in.

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