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(This was posted a week ago in talk.pol.misc, but thought I'd let you
mull it over.  It is original writing, and is typical of my callous mode
of social thought which I occasionally fall into.)

Like many people, I have been thinking about the problem of homelessness in
America's cities.  Besides the obvious suffering of the homeless people, the
spectacle of raggedly dressed people bent for warmth in the subways and bus
stations of the cities greets visitors with a pronouncedly negative image.
I have struck upon a means of eliminating the privation of the homeless while
lessening the adverse impact they have on the surrounding neighborhoods.

  At a cost of about $250 per individual, each can be outfitted with a friendly
Disney character costume.  Generous insulation and bright, stain resistant
colors would help to insure that the occupant remains warm inside and cheerful
outside.  As there are so many different characters, each participant would be
able to choose which outfit most closely fits his style.

  This landmark project would have manifold beneficial effects.  Travelers
arriving at the bus and train terminals would no longer comment on how awful
it is to be met with wave attacks of unkempt panhandlers.  Instead, their kids
could laugh and feel safe and recall fondly how Mickey greeted them upon their
arrival to the Big City.  Replace the heart-rending image of a woman swaddled
in torn clothes crouching for shelter in a shop doorway with that of a warm
and sweetly blushing Snow White settled snugly down with her pullcart of
possessions in the same alcove.  A societal blemish has been instantly
transformed into a fantasy attraction!

  The boost this program could provide to the participants' sense of self-image
would be tremendous.  They would enjoy a strong sense of camraderie.  Instead
of facing a bleak street existence alone, they would belong to a happy family
of playful ducks, dogs and chipmunks.   This would give everybody something to
be proud of.  The necessity of keeping one's uniform spiffy and one's antics
competitively endearing (to bolster handout revenues) would be easy and fun.
And, as George Bush has observed, many of the homeless people on our streets
already identify with popular cartoon figures.  The transition would be
painless for most everyone.

  Expensive and marginally effective substance abuse recovery programs could
be avoided by the simple expedient of dressing addicts and drunks as either
pink elephants or Dopey the dwarf.  A person suffering from a nervous tic could
become Pinnochio the dancing puppet boy.  Persons who habitually argue with
demons or devils could be suited up with muffled headpieces to squelch the
sudden shouts.  Creative application of the basics outlined here would enable
the adminstrators of this plan to massage away almost ANY obstacle, and allow
them to artfully blend these people back into society.

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