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[Ed: This is an amusing original piece, but it is quite long, and requires quite a setup, so you may want to skip it -Ed ]
Some years ago (my third year of high school, I believe), I created a new
religion following a caffeine revelation. This part is not EXCEPTIONALLY
funny, but it serves as a background to a (hopefully) more humorous story I
wrote later which is based on this religion. The story will be posted
following this one.
OMNIDEISM:
The religious blanket
by Tom Newcomb
Copywrong 1984 by Nuke 'Em Associates
Library of Congress catalog number 3.1415926
All lefts reserved. No part of this inane document may be
reproduced (asexually or otherwise) or transmitted in any manner,
including copying by hand, photocopying, and listening to a
parrot who has happened to read this. And for that matter, you'd
have to be pretty dumb to want to copy any of this crud anyway.
Let's be serious for a moment...
Dedicated to
J.R.S.
whose true faith gave me food for thought
INTRODUCTION
In this world there exist hundreds of distinct religions,
each (with a few exceptions) knowing beyond a shred of doubt that
it is correct and that everyone else is...well, WRONG. One of
the few beliefs that does not hold this view is that of
agnosticism, whose hazy guidelines show either open-mindedness or
indecision, depending upon the individual. Most others adhere to
this general closed-minded principle, often causing disharmonies
between those of conflicting religious faiths.
Thus we now find a need for a blanket policy to unite all of
these beliefs under one roof, while simultaneously not infringing
upon or doubting the validity of any of them. It must follow the
definition of etiquette: not to offend anyone. With such a
policy, the emphasis lies in tolerance. Widespread religious
tolerance would eventually lead to the destruction of religious
discrimination, a sword which hangs over our necks wherever we
go.
Omnideism is not a religion unto itself; it instead attempts
to explain the absolutism and co-existence of other religions,
beliefs, and what have you. Placing all faiths at equal levels,
Omnideism serves as the United Nations of theism.
OMNIDEISM: A STRUCTURAL OVERVIEW
Let us say that all religions do exist, and that all have
the same measure of validity and truth with respect to...x? No...
this is philosophy, not calculus! ...with respect to the supreme
being(s) found in each one (Hence, "Omnideism"). Let us then say
that these beings know of each other's existence, but do not
interfere with the religious activities below. (On Earth, that
is. I envision omnipotent entities as being "out there.") In this
manner, monotheists know only their one god, while polytheists
know only of their own pantheon. This can account for the
singularity and closed-mindedness of all religions. One of the
Ten Commandments states, "Thou shalt have no other gods before
me" (or something to that effect). A subliminal hint, perhaps,
that the Christian God knows of these others? Omnideism strikes
again....
Each of us is born destined to find one of these eventually,
or in the case of atheists or agnostics, not to. Only this
particular deity is keyed to our soul, so we can know no other.
What about the Born-again Christians? Well, these are people who
were destined not to find God until a later time, but it was
planned all the same. The process of selection for each god or
pantheon may be some organized thing like drawing lots, or it may
be random chance. We think that we or our parents decide our
religion or lack thereof, but it is actually all controlled from
above.
Okay, but what about the atheists? Well, there are three
possibilites for this one: accidently overlooked, intentionally
overlooked, or controlled. The first theory simply says that
somebody forgot to register the atheists, and their lots were not
drawn or numbers randomly discovered. The second theory suggests
that it was decided that they should be free of religion, as part
of a test or perhaps just because. The test would be to find out
what the lack of a supreme being would have on a person's life.
The third theory says that there is a being controlling the
atheists, but does not want to make him/herself known. This could
account for what we call "luck" and "coincidence."
Now, what about agnostics? Well, agnostics are here to stir
up trouble and think up ridiculous theories about the universe.
After all, an agnostic "discovered" Omnideism, right? All right,
then.... They are also here to make life interesting. Arthur
Clarke, a prestigious science-fiction writer, proposed the same
thing: paradise in the form of a self-sufficient city, where
every few hundred years a man is "born" who is different and
usually stirs up trouble. After all, if paradise is boring, it
isn't paradise anymore. This is the religious role of agnostics
in today's society (although it as about as far from paradise as
possible).
CONCLUSION
That, then, is the bare bones of Omnideism. Now that you
know, tell all your friends and the world will be a much better
place. No more religious discrimination or one-sided religious
arguments. Paradise, here we come...
Here, then, is the story that I wrote a year later. It's undergoing a major
revision right now, but will probably never be finished. Hope you like it.
FURNITURE OF THE GODS
by Tom Newcomb
My world suddenly narrowed down to her, and the pistol she
held so confidently in her hand. Mercy had no part in her; she
fired once, twice....
The last thing I saw of the world was my body sprawled in
the dirt. The scene changed, and I found myself waiting in line
in a spotless white room that seemed to go on forever. The line
moved slowly, and after four days I finally saw where I was
going. It ended at a large booth set into the wall. Behind the
booth sat a small man wearing a pair of mylar sunglasses, a
rubber nose, and nothing else. As each person walked up to him,
he would point to either his right or his left, and an attendant
appeared from that side to escort the person to his destination.
I began to wonder, where would I end up? I was a good boy,
even though I was an agnostic. Who knows.
When I finally reached the booth, the man looked at me. His
rubber nose fell off. "It's you!" he exclaimed.
A quick look into a nearby mirror confirmed this.
He went on. "You discovered Omnideism, didn't you?"
I replied that I had thought up that ridiculous theory one
evening when I had nothing better to do.
"But my boy!" he said excitedly, "You've realized the Sys-
tem! And because you are the only human in all history to do so,
we have planned a special tour for you! We are going to give you
an inside look at our little operation up here. Congratulations,
my boy!" He turned around and screeched, "JOE!"
A tall man in a leather jacket and neon green spandex pants
walked out of the wall and said, "Yeah? Whaddya want?"
"This is the boy they told you about." He turned to me,
saying, "Joe will be your tour guide. No smoking, eating, or
drinking, and please no flash pictures."
I looked at Joe critically, commenting, "You don't look like
a divine being to me."
"Yeah? Well, you don't look so divine yourself. Now come on,
let's get this over with. I'm missing `Miami Vice'."
The white room disappeared, to be replaced by a long
corridor that seemed to be a different color every time I looked
at it. There were doors at regular intervals along both walls,
each with writing on it.
We approached the first door. "Religion Room," it read. Joe
opened the door and I saw a large room, occupied for the most
part by a huge...a huge...~fishbowl~ filled with millions of
little red capsules. A LCD display on the wall flashed the names
of different religions, and as each would come up, a fat man in a
blue leisure suit and swimming goggles would pull out one of the
capsules and read off the name. The sign read "Baptist;" the man
read off "Thomas Chris Newcomb V." "That's my son!" I shouted at
him. "We're agnostics!"
The man grinned at me, saying, "That'll make things all the
more interesting, won't it!" He began to laugh loudly.
Turning to Joe, I said, "Is THAT what you guys do for fun up
here?" Joe snickered but didn't say anything. We left the room.
The next door read, "New Religions." We entered to find two men
and two women seated around a very large watermelon. They wore
beanies and had clothes painted on to them. None of them seemed
to notice our presence; I listened raptly to their conversation.
"How about this: a group convinced that Roger Waters is
Jesus returned to Earth." That was the man closest to me.
"Who's Roger Waters?" the other man piped up.
"Roger Waters," interrupted the woman on my right, "is the
lead singer of Pink Floyd. He is well known for his anti-war,
anti-drug, anti-etc. messages in his music. Quite a brilliant
man."
"Right. Let's vote. Unanimous? Great! What shall we name
it?"
"How about `The Waters People'?"
"No, no. How about `Roger Waters? Jesus CHRIST!'"
"I like that one."
"Ditto."
"Okay. On to the next one. This group believes that Phil
Donahue is the anti-christ, grape jelly is evil, and that all
dogs are atheists. In addition, they refuse to eat `Twinkies' and
`Kellogg's Rice Krispies...'" We left at this point.
The color of the corridor had changed subtly, and now glowed
with a faint blue luminescence. Dull lines of gold slithered
along the surface of the walls, traveling down the length of the
corridor to disappear in the twilight far ahead. I wondered
abstractedly why the story had taken such a descriptive turn.
Author must be a real boob, I concluded.
Joe offered some information. "We are now entering the home
of the gods." Must've been a tour guide at Disneyland before, I
mused.
"Wait a minute." A sudden thought had struck me. "I don't
believe in any of these people. How am I supposed to see them?"
Joe paused and thought hard. "Oh, yeah. Here. This will
allow you to see them." He gave me a dun-colored leg-warmer.
"What do I do with it?" I asked, confused.
Joe grinned maliciously. "Put it on your..." Pause. "Leg,"
he finished sedately.
Wearing the leg-warmer, feeling totally foolish, I again
started down the corridor, filled with anxiety and wonder.
We finally reached a door. On it, engraved in white letters:
God
Jesus
The Holy Ghost
Joe opened the door, and I saw Him. All three of Him were
sitting around a table, playing poker with Himselves. What drew
my attention, however, was God's remarkable resemblance to Alfred
E. Neuman. I whispered this quietly to Joe, who replied that the
leg-warmer tended to distort looks somewhat. Suddenly God sat
back and cried out, "Damn! I lost again! Jesus Christ!"
"Yes?" Jesus looked up from across the table.
"Sorry about that," God apologized to Himself. We left
before they noticed us.
The next door bore the legend, BUDDAH. Joe cautiously eased
the door open, and we both looked in. Buddah sat cross-legged in
the middle of the floor, his eyes closed and a smile on his face.
Joe crept silently up to him and yelled, "BOO!" Then he added
playfully, "Dah."
Buddah opened his eyes and stared at my guide. "Did you
bring the pizza I ordered?"
"Oops, forgot. Hold on." He disappeared for a few seconds,
and I was left uncomfortably alone with the god, who looked a bit
like Fred Flintstone. Joe suddenly reappeared. "Here it is. No
anchovies, right?"
"Right." He turned to me. "You mortals may not be good for
much, but you sure make a mean pizza!"
We exited and Joe asked, "Anyone else you'd like to see?"
I thought for a moment and replied slowly, "I always wanted
to meet Aphrodite. Possible?"
Joe laughed. "Of course. Nothing like a bit of human lust to
make things interesting." We walked a few hundred more feet down
that incredible corridor, and finally came to a door with the
goddess's name on it. Before entering, Joe cautioned me,
"Remember. Look but don't touch. Keep in mind that you're a
scummy mortal." My heart began to pound as he turned the handle
and opened the door with deliberate slowness. I could finally see
into the room, and what I saw almost made me faint. Twenty feet
in front of me stood the Greek goddess of love, beauty, and
passion, her back to us. What had shocked me, however, was the
fact that she was completely naked. Joe stood next to me, his
mouth hanging open, and looking very silly indeed. She turned
around and regarded us with an enticing smile. Her smile never
changed as the door slammed shut in our faces, knocking us back
into the corridor.
"Holy s---," I muttered, still in a state of shock.
Joe nodded jerkily in agreement. He shook his head and
looked at me. "Jesus CHRIST!" he exclaimed in an awed voice.
"WHAT?" that familiar voice echoed down the walls from the
corridor behind us.
"SORRY!" Joe called out. He looked at me again. "Jeez, but
you're a lucky guy!"
I gulped and nodded, still staring stupidly at the door with
the name "Venus" on it. For ten minutes we just lay there, trying
to recover our breath and letting our hearts slow down to a
paltry hundred and twenty beats per minute.
Eventually Joe sat up. "Seen enough?"
"Yes. God, yes. Let's go." We suddenly appeared in the huge
white hall again. The line was still there.
I slipped the leg-warmer off and handed it back to him. He
tossed it into a corner, where it lay in a dun-colored heap.
Joe gestured with an air of wishing to wrap things up, and
spoke briskly. "Well, you're dead. Where do you want to go?
You're the only person ever to get a choice; don't blow it."
I thought for a moment. "How about if I stay here and work
for you guys?"
Joe considered this. "Yeah, I guess you could do that. You
wanna be an escort? The Heaven escort gets to wear a red Devil
suit and scare the Hell out of people, if you'll pardon the
expression. The Hell escort wears a white robe...in general,
you'd really get to mess with people's minds. What do you say?"
"Hmmm. I was never really into that stuff. What else do you
have?"
"You could have my job!" he said brightly.
"What IS your job, anyway?"
"I was hired about 800 years ago to act as a tour guide for
you. They didn't know when you were coming, so they decided to be
prepared. Anyway, that's what I do. Well?"
"Oh, sure. What else?"
Joe rattled off several more odd jobs, none of which really
sounded appealing. After my twelfth "No" he got frustrated and
snapped, "What do you want to do? Oh..." Understanding struck him
and he gave me a sidelong look. "I know what you want to do."
I grinned and he lowered his voice conspiratorially. "You
know, I think we might just be able to arrange that. Sure you
could handle it, though?"
"Mmmm..." My eyes glazed over as I contemplated it. "What
the heck!"
Joe laughed, saying, "Let's go."
We were back in the strangely-colored corridor. We walked
down it, laughing and talking, until a familiar door appeared.
"You let me do the talking," Joe warned. "In fact, you stay out
here."
He slipped inside the door while I waited anxiously outside.
After several minutes he came out. "It took some finageling, but
I've got it all arranged. She's kind of excited, though, at the
thought of finally having some furniture." He winked. "Have fun,
kid."
With that he opened the door, and for the second, but
certainly not the last, time I saw Aphrodite. I stepped in, and
Joe closed the door behind me. Aphrodite spoke, her perfect voice
sending blizzards up and down my spine. "Footstool."
I knelt down in front of her; she sat on the bed and put her
delicate feet on my back. "Good." Again the electrical storm in
my spine; I thought I might never get used to that voice.
I was furniture. I was the luckiest guy ever.
CONFESSION: One tiny part of this is essentially borrowed from an old Bloom
County (Berke Breathed) strip. Yes, I'm duly ashamed. (Which is part of the
reason I'm re-writing it.)
Comments to...
Tom Newcomb | "APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice in the
newcomb@ucbarpa.Berkeley.EDU | box for another throw." --Ambrose Bierce
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