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Here are the winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest, 
"the Baltimore Orioles of literary competitions."  The contest is named after 
the author of the immortal lines:  "It was a dark and stormy night."  The 
object of the contest is to write the opening sentence to the worst 
possible novel.  
   
The big winner is Rachel Sheeley, 20, a student at Franklin College, Ohio.  
   
 "Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was 
sleek, shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, 
which was as warm as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, 
her eyes flashing like bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads 
of fresh rain on the hood; she was a woman driven - fueled by a single 
accelerant - and she needed a man, a man who wouldn't shift from his 
views, a man to steer her along the right road: a man like Alf Romeo."
   
 She won a word processor for her effort.
   
 Runners up include: Claudia Fields of Santa Barbara:
   
 "The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she 
would never see her little dog Pritzi again."
   
 And from Jeff Jahnke, McMinnville, Oregon:
   
 "It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain - 
perhaps a tumor or a metabolic deficiency - but after a thorough 
neurological exam it was determined that Byron was simply a jerk."
 
 (excerpted from a UPI account in the Boston Globe, 9 May)
-- 
Doug Mackensie  

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