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In a recent talk.bizarre posting, I wrote:

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                     Save A Leaf; Kill A Slug

     They   crawl  through  our  gardens  and   lawns,   devouring 
everything  in their path and leaving a glistening trail of  slime 
behind  them.   Some species destroy millions of tons  of  produce 
every year,  threatening global starvation.   After a heavy  rain, 
their disgusting - and very slippery - bodies litter our sidewalks 
and roadways.   An unwary driver or pedestrian could find  himself 
in  traction thanks to one of the slime balls.   These  shell-less 
snails,  or slugs,  do not deserve the same rights as the rest  of 
God's creatures.  They deserve to be killed.
     "But  Dorian," you may ask,  "don't slugs make big green  and 
yellow messes on your shoe if you try to squash them?"  Well, yes.  
And  if  your Reeboks are too much to  sacrifice,  there  are  fun 
alternatives.  Try throwing some salt on one, then watch it squirm 
as it shrivels into a tiny,  rubbery raisin.  The more adventurous 
may want to build a fire, then throw in some slugs and watch their 
carcasses  fly  as  they pop.   A  writer  for  Discover  magazine 
suggests dropping them in beer,  but I haven't tried this yet.  Be 
inventive.  There are at least 1001 ways to kill a slug.
     Of  course,  you  yogurt-eating animal rights  activists  and 
pinko-commie  environmentalists  out there are having a  fit  over 
this.   "What  will the birds eat if slugs become extinct!?,"  you 
scream.   "Who  cares!?," I scream back with such volume that  the 
glass on my window breaks,  slaughtering a half dozen slugs on the 
driveway below.   Birds are only good for messing up  newly-washed 
cars and clogging jet engines anyway.
     Save a leaf; kill a slug.  This message brought to you by the 
Society for Lynching Ugly Globs.

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After which, I was verbally abused via Email by a half dozen UCSC
students who demanded 1) my immediate extermination, 2) a gallon of malt
liquor, and 3) a public apology.  I granted the 2nd and 3rd demands:

                         A Public Apology
                         ----------------

To the wise and decent students, faculty, and alumni of UCSC:

       I am sorry I publicly slandered your school mascot, the amazing
Slug.  <Ouch!  Pul-EEZ let go of my ARM!> The Slug is a beautiful creature
which deserves to live on this planet much more than I do. <ow ow ow ARGH!
OK OK I'll say it!> I am prepared to suffer the terrible but justified
consequences of my mistake. Let this be a lesson to anyone who thinks that
Slugs (capitalized, as in `God') are anything less than miraculous creatures.
<nooo! not that! OUCH! ok ok!> Of course, I am saying this of my own free
will. The only reason I ever denounced Slugs was because the communists 
living under my bed forced me to. However, I must take responsibility for
what I have done. Thank you, and long live Slugs.

       -Dorian->

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