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One-day Schedule for The 2004 Republican National Convention

The first day and almost all the issues seem to be covered:

The 2004 Republican National Convention (New York City)

10:00 am: Opening Ceremony: Pat Boone accompanies Lee Greenwood singing "I'm Proud to be an American"

10:05 am: Vote on motion to go into Closed Session. (If motion fails, Justice Antonin Scalia will announce that all media must turn off audio and video recording devices.)

10:30 am: Katherine Harris speaks on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"

10:45 am: Trent Lott - "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"

11:00 am: Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

11:10 am: Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Birth Control Should Be Outlawed"

11:30 am: Rush Limbaugh - "Just Say No To Drugs"

11:45 am: Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, American Patriot"

12:00 noon: Singing of "God Bless America" and big screen projection of "Blue Angels" fly-over

12:04 pm: Lunch Break - steak with vegetable sides of ketchup and relish, yellow cake

12:30 pm: Oliver North - "Never Trade Arms with Terrorists"

1:00 pm: Reps. Doolittle and DeLay speak on the GOP congressional agenda.

1:30 pm: Group cheer--Global-warming-schmobal warming!

1:35 pm: GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell and Condi Rice

2:00 pm: Accounting for Beginners--"Tax Cuts are Good for Deficit Reduction"

2:30 pm: Labor Secretary Elaine Chao speaks on "Economic Growth Through Job Exportation"

3:00 pm: Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"

3:30 pm: Unveiling of "The Guide to Imperialism" by the Heritage Foundation

4:00 pm: Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

4:15 pm: "Eradicate Poor People" Happy Hour (guided sight-seeing buses leaving for Harlem every 10 minutes)

6:00 pm: Dinner Break: Texas-Style Endangered Species Barbeque

7:00 pm: John Ashcroft leads ceremonial burning of the Bill of Rights

(Note to convention hall staff - make sure statue of Justice is fully clothed)

7:15 pm: George W. Bush video tribute "Higher than a Kite: Portrait of a Fighter Pilot"

7:30 pm: Vote on motion to put image of Ronald Reagan on one dollar bill

Keynote Speech by Dick Cheney (Exact time TBA, depending on his arrival from secret bunker).

8:00 pm: "Kiss Ass" session with Christian Coalition

8:30 pm: Workshop on government-corporate relations by Dick Cheney

8:45 pm: Log Cabin Republicans Encounter Session-- Coming to Terms with Your Self-Hatred

9:00 pm: Assault Rifle Raffle

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