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"Real Notes to British Milkmen":
* Dear Milkman, I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
* Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
* Cancel one pint after the day after today.
* Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
* Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep
pecking the tops off the milk.
* Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
* Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons
on the dole.
* Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and
I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
* Sorry about yesterday's note. I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,
but the other way round.
* When you leave my milk knock on my bedroom window and wake me because
I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
* Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's
Coronation Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over
a cup of tea.
* My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you
deliver or do I have to shake the bottle?
* Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months
old and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
* Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant. Milk is
needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
* From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on
the days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't
want any milk.
* My back door is open. Please put milk in fridge, get money out of
cup in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we
want to play bingo tonight.
* Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I
wrote this note yesterday.
* When you leave the milk please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out
and put newspaper inside the screen door. PS. Don't leave any milk.
* No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead
until further notice.
[Note - yet another anonymous piece circulating for a while now - ed.]
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