| RHF Joke Archives | 
What follows are the latest entries in the one-liner file. These are jokes which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately. I post such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it. Particularly selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed.
= = = = = = = >From: wayne@tachyon.com (Wayne Sewell) >Subject: monkey abuseThere is currently an article in alt.binaries.pictures.erotica.bestiality with the subject "Girl caught masturbating chimp, by SpyCam in ZOO" (the article id is <8eg3ag$qm$1@nereid.worldonline.nl>, if you don't believe me).
I guess "spanking the monkey" can be taken literally in this case.
= = = = = = = >From: hjhary@email.com (Skip hary) >Subject: taken out of context
This is email received today.
"Hello, drkoop.com members! This week's newsletter is packed with information on parenting, protecting yourself from ultraviolet rays and more. Plus, mark your calendars for two upcoming spotlight events--dealing with back pain hosted by Dr. Michael Sinel and living a healthy lifestyle with supermodel Kathy Ireland. Until next week, good health to you!"
I'd like to try that lifestyle!
= = = = = = = >From: r-kershenbaum@ukans.edu (Kershenbaum, Richard M) >Subject: Discover the back of your monitor
>From my online DiscoverCard statement, viewed through their web site:
"You may be able to avoid Periodic Finance Charges, see the reverse side for details."
= = = = = = = >From: Mike.Bainbridge@sita.int >Subject: The dangers of friendly greetings.
Taken from this mornings "Metro" (7th June, London, UK):
A friendly greeting caused a major airport security alert when a man called "Hi, Jack" to a colleague on board an aircraft.
A SWAT team and dozens of police reinforcements were called to the Oakland International Airport near Detroit in the US.
Lt. Rick Crigger said, "There was a guy on the plane named Jack, and someone walked in and said, 'Hi Jack'. The mike just happened to be open and the tower heard it."
Thinking someone was hijacking the corporate jet, the FBI as well as police were called to prepare for a hostage situation. Air traffic controllers ordered the plane to return to the tower but, after a quick check on the identity of the pilot, the jet was cleared for take off.
= = = = = = = >From: jpw3@psu.edu (Joseph Welz) >Subject: Lake Water Temperature
This sign was on the pavilion at a state park I was at recently.
WATER TEMPERATURE
To determine the temperature of the water add 25 to the average height (in inches) of the swimmers presently in the water. This will give you the water temperature in degrees Fahrenheit.
= = = = = = = >From: eplus17@uiuc.edu (Richard Engelbrecht-Wiggans) >Subject: Blank space
Spring has hit the local university campus and the sidewalks have once again become a gigantic billboard thick with posters taped to it and a variety of colorful chalk messages. One section, however, seems to have been neglected except for one small message in front of the Computer Science building: "This space has been intentionally left blank" in bright pink chalk.
= = = = = = = >From: Richard.Telfer@ukgateway.net (Richard Telfer) >Subject: truth?
A bookshop in Caterham, Surrey, England has a category "Mythology and Politics."
= = = = = = = >From: steve.barr@pobox.com (Steve Barr) >Organization: http://www.stevebarr.com >Subject: Pity the poor Spammer
Years of howling into the emptiness of the Internet must have unhinged one Spammer. I received a SPAM today with the subject that begins: OWN A COMPUTER?
= = = = = = = >From: quinsland@att.net (Donald Quinsland) >Subject: Impaired driving
News article (Danbury, CT News-Times, 7/29/00): "Fittipaldi to miss Target Grand Prix-" "Any driver who loses consciousness during a crash on a race weekend is automatically barred from competing in that event"
= = = = = = = >From: bruce@gridpoint.com >Subject: Interesting Juxtaposition
Consecutive news headlines on Yahoo:
Concorde Probe Findings Point to Burst-Tire Theory Sears Stops Selling Tires Under Probe for Crashes
Well, that explains a lot.
= = = = = = = >From: merlin112@charter.net (Michael Nute) >Subject: do we really need this sign?
I was walking down the road today and I passed a cemetary. Posted at the entrance is a sign that says,
"Use of this cemetary is restricted to normal cemetary usage."
They really really needed to put up a sign saying this?
= = = = = = = >From: boermac@river.it.gvsu.edu (All the News) >Subject: Stupid Warning?
Seen on a warning label on a Kenner Products' Batman costume:
"Caution: Cape does not enable users to fly"
My first reaction: Well of course, what an idiotic thing to put. Everyone knows it's SUPERMAN who flies, not BATMAN.
= = = = = = = >From: mhouston@feist.com (Michael Houston) >Subject: This can't be right...
Verbatim headline from sports section, USA Today, August 18, 2000:
"Boxing body's head not guilty of bribery"
Guess I'll have to read the story to figure out which body parts it was accused of bribing...
= = = = = = = >From: AWiebe@online-can.com (Wiebe, Alex) >Subject: Smart spell checker or really bad pun...
http://www.cnn.com/2000/NATURE/08/28/fossil.auction/ SAN FRANCISCO (CNN)--The sale of the oldest known fossil of an airborne vertebrate has stirred up a controversy of epoch proportions between scientists and auctioneers.
= = = = = = = >From: djohnson38@uswest.net (Doug Johnson) >Subject: Herbalife founder dies
Heard today on the radio:
Herbalife founder Mark Reynolds Hughes was found dead today. Cause of death was listed as "natural causes."
= = = = = = = >From: robg@easystreet.com (Rob Griffiths) >Subject: Are you sure about that?
Sign noticed outside a local church ... verbatim:
"The quality of your work is a comentary on your character."
= = = = = = = >From: balkenh@primenet.com (Robert Balkenhol) >Subject: No Additional Charge
Seen on a T-shirt in Pasadena:
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION - it comes bundled with the software.
= = = = = = = >From: kevin@lexis-nexis.com (Kevin Logemann) >Subject: Humorous double billing...
Seen at a local theater:
What Lies Beneath
Woman on Top
= = = = = = = >From: angipanji@hotmail.com (Angi Gallupe) >Subject: newspaper classified ad
This one was in my local newspaper last winter:
firewood for sale, never been used.
= = = = = = = >From: merkin@mail.sisna.com (Michael Bennett) >Subject: You're not helping....
Our company just released a training CD designed to help employees deal with "work overload."
The training takes four hours.
= = = = = = = >From: PAUL.OPITZ@radioshack.com (Paul Opitz) >Subject: Bizarre coincidence? You decide.
In looking at my holiday list, I found that National Singles Week coincides with National Farm Animals week (September 17-23).
Hmmm. Don't even think I'll go there.
= = = = = = = >From: abucci@cs.brandeis.edu (Anthony Bucci) >Subject: thought-provoking question
On the Sally Jesse Raphael show this morning (01/12/01), the audience was asked to ponder the following question: what would you do if you passed out on the side of the road and no one was around to help you?
I think what I'd do is lie there unconscious.
= = = = = = = >From: dsc@cube8.com (David Cartwright) >Subject: Fertility issues
From "Private Eye," 26 Jan, quoting an interview on BBC Radio 4:
INTERVIEWER: What do you think will happen if sperm donors' identities are revealed to their offspring?
FERTILITY EXPERT: It would be disastrous. They would just stop coming.
= = = = = = = >From: bmears@teamshare.com (Brad Mears) >Subject: Good intentions but a little too late (true, morbid)
I was visiting my daughter's elementary school and saw that the children were collecting donations for the victims of the earthquake in India. One sign read: "Help save the people that died in India."
= = = = = = = >From: madgoldfish@icscotland.net (Craig Nicol) >Subject: Have you got a dirty mind?
Headline Seen on Yahoo... (reported by ZDNet)
Sex.com fraudster blows court appearance.
http://uk.news.yahoo.com/010306/152/ba04f.html
= = = = = = = >From: cgibbs@skybus.com (Charlie Gibbs) >Subject: Divided we stand
Now that British Columbia is gearing up for a provincial election, the election signs are out in force. I saw one recently that was made in two panels so that it could be larger. Unfortunately, a gap several inches wide was left between the two panels, breaking up the text and graphics.
The sign promotes the B.C. Unity party.
= = = = = = = >From: wumba_man@yahoo.ca (Wumba Man) >Subject: Going blind....
=== snip ==== Monday March 12 12:38 PM EST Doctor Links Viagra to Five Cases of Blindness By Edward Tobin
NEW YORK (Reuters) - A US ophthalmologist says there appears to be a very small risk that men taking the impotence drug Viagra could suffer permanent vision loss, but the firm that makes the drug on Friday played down the reported threat. [....] === snip ====
I'm waiting for a dermatologist to report hair-growth on the palms.
= = = = = = = >From: chris_sterritt@iname.com (Chris Sterritt) >Subject: Very light red truck
I pulled up behind a "light red" pick-up truck today, and saw the following painted across the tailgate:
"It's raspberry, not pink, DAMMIT!"
= = = = = = = >From: sscherme@capecod.net (Skid Schermerhorn - W1TTY) >Subject: Naked Oyster
On WQRC on Cape Cod, Massachusets there is an advertisement for The Naked Oyster Restaurant: "The best shucking place in town."
= = = = = = = >From: colin@sutton.wow.aust.com (Colin Sutton) >Subject: Taking customer service seriously
I received a publicity email from Microsoft today, with the closing advice:
"Note: Please don't reply to this message. It has been sent from an unattended mailbox.
With kind regards, The Microsoft Australia Events Team."
The return address was contactus@microsoft.com.au
= = = = = = = >From: weinshan@cse.msu.edu (Dr. Donald J. Weinshank) >Subject: Judgment Day
Judgment Day has been cancelled.
Return tickets to point of purchase for refund.
[Michigan State University display board 05-31-01)
Ah, if only it were that easy!
= = = = = = = >From: merlin112@charter.net (Michael Nute) >Subject: get the point?
Seen on the back of a dump truck:
"<---PASSING SIDE SUICIDE--->"
= = = = = = = >From: margulis@andrew.cmu.edu (Laurel Dawn Margulis) >Subject: Personals
Seen on a pink poster with hearts on the bulliten board at work.
Personals:Lonesome? ...bored? ...like excitement? Want to be noticed? Want to meet new people?
then just leave your security container open!
= = = = = = = >From: kentls001@worldnet.att.net (Kent L. Stoneking) >Subject: I begin to see the extent of the problem
According to a news release, the Joint Committee on Taxation will today release a report on simplfying the Internal Revenue Code.
The report fills three volumes.
= = = = = = = >From: sandra@frogsonice.com (Sandra Loosemore) >Subject: current events
Today's New York Times has an article about a death-row inmate who is insisting on the right to die by electric chair instead of lethal injection.
http://www.nytimes.com/2001/08/20/national/20CHAI.html
Quote:
"The choice is his under Ohio law, but his spirited protest to die by electrocution, the first in 38 years, has galvanized a movement among capital punishment advocates..."
Kind of a shockingly bad pun....
= = = = = = = >From: majka@apple.com (Marc Majka) >Subject: Thank God for Venture Capital
There was a NOVA special on PBS a few years ago about the Big Bang and cosmology. The title of the show was "The Creation of the Universe." At the end of the show, an announcer stated:
"The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas Instruments Corporation."
I'm glad they funded the project.
= = = = = = = >From: TOMKANPA@aol.com >Subject: Best sign seen at World Series
Sign seen at the 2001 World Series in Arizona the night Randy Johnson pitched.
It takes more than nine Yanks to beat our Johnson.
= = = = = = = >From: merlin112@charter.net (Mike Nute) >Organization: Posted via Supernews, http://www.supernews.com >Subject: Moving sale
A video rental store in Framingham, MA is moving to a new location this weekend.
At $1.00 per rental this weekend, they are apparently hoping to get the customers to move their stock to the new store for them.
= = = = = = = >From: ducky@webfoot.com (Kaitlin Duck Sherwood) >Subject: inadequately clever mail-merge
Adam Boettiger posted this to emailgrok, a mailing list on email overload. http://www.email911.com/pubinfo.shtml He gave me his blessing to submit it to rec.humor.funny. I edited slightly.
**** Someone I know received a spam yesterday where the company had bought a list and used a mail merge program in an effort to try to "personalize" the spam. Now, I can't blame them for trying to create a more user-friendly message.
But, as we all know...sometimes technology can let you down or put a damper on your marketing objectives:
Here's how the subject line of the message came out:
Subject: Beth, Enlarge your PENIS!
Either these people are incredibly stupid, or else their product is *really* something new ;-)
***
| RHF Joke Archives |
Get
The Internet Jokebook
Featuring the very best of
netfunny.com on
dead trees.
|