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President-elect George W. Bush received his first national security briefing at the Governor's Mansion in Austin, Texas. It was conducted by Brigadier General Thomas C. Bradley, Army Staff Liaison to the National Security Council, and David L. McKittrick, Deputy Assistant to the Director of the CIA. An anonymous Security Council staff member leaked a transcript of the briefing to the press.

Bradley: Good morning, Mr. President-elect. Congratulations on your victory.

Bush: Thanks. That's a nice suit. How come you don't wear a uniform. Are you really a general?

Bradley: I wear my uniform when I'm working at the Pentagon. Now, would you like to get started?

Bush: Yeah, I guess. How long is this gonna take?

McKittrick: Mr. President-elect, these briefings usually only take 15-20 minutes, depending on world events. Somewhat longer if you have questions or require further detail.

Bush: Okay.

Bradley: Beginning with the Middle East, as you may know, Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Barak . . .

Bush: He's a Jew, right?

Bradley: One would assume so. Now . . .

Bush: I bet he voted for Pat Buchanan.

Bradley: Sir, Mr. Barak has resigned as a result of the continuing violence between the Palestinians and the Israeli security forces.

Bush: I hear those Palestrians are A-rabs without any oil. That must be real hard on them. I mean, an A-rab without oil is, I guess, just a shepherd or a terrorist or something. I feel compassion for them.

Bradley: Yes, sir. In any event, the situation is extremely volatile because most of the casualties are Palestinian youth - children really - who assault the Israeli soldiers with rocks.

Bush: Rocks? Well, hey, this is easy. Why don't we just get rid of the rocks? The Israelite army could just go in there and pick them up and haul them away for making gravel or paving roads or something. The Jews could probably even make a buck or two on that deal.

McKittrick: Sir, Palestine is a rocky desert. Removing all the rocks from Palestine would be like removing all the assholes from Texas.

Bush: Excuse me? What did you say? What's your name again, mister?

McKittrick: John Doe.

Bush: Well, Mr. Doe, we'll see how long your career lasts in my administration.

Bradley: Sir, in any case, you can't remove the rocks from Palestine.

Bush: Where's Uncle Dick?

Bradley: Sir?

Bush: Dick Cheney. He should be here. He knows what to do about all this detail stuff.

Bradley: Sir, I believe he's in Washington supervising the transition.

Bush: Transition?

Bradley: Changing the government, sir. Replacing the Democratic officeholders in the Executive Branch. Preparing for your administration in Washington.

Bush: I have to move to Washington? I just bought a ranch. A big one, too.

McKittrick: Perhaps we could move on to events in Europe.

Bush. That's better. I like Europe.

McKittrick: Have you traveled extensively there?

Bush: I didn't say I'd been there. I said I like the Europese. You know,a lot of Americans came here from Europe. My own family used to be a part of Europe. I'm not sure which.

McKittrick: Yes, sir, I can imagine. Mr.President-elect, the European Union is becoming more of a reality and changing the nature of our responsibilities and influence there. The Europeans want to establish their own 60,000 man security force, and that raises questions about the future viability of NATO.

Bush: I don't get it.

McKittrick: Get what, sir? Europe? NATO? Where did I lose you?

Bush: Don't be a smartass. My dad used to run the FBI, you know. Or the CIA. Who are you with? He ran that too.

Bradley: Sir, what he's saying . . .

Bush: I know what he's saying. The Europese want to redo the continent into one big country. With ONE army. That's stupid! If it's all one army, who are you going to attack? Answer me that.

McKittrick: Mr. President-elect, I believe that's enough for one day. I think you're right; we'll give these pesky details to Vice President-elect Cheney, and you can get back to the ranch. Thank you for your time and attention.

Bush: Oh sure, this is fun. Maybe when I'm president we can have these briefings once a year.

Bradley: Yes, sir. Good day, sir.

Bush: Yeah, bye. Oh, hey, listen. I wasn't talking about ALL the rocks. Just the ones that are throwin' size. I'm not stupid, you know.

McKittrick: God help us all.

Bush: What was that??

McKittrick: Nothing Sir, have a good Day.

[Note - original author unknown - ed.]

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