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** HP to Address Employee Burnout **

Hewlett-Packard company today announced that it would take steps to bring its employee burnout rate in line with industry averages.

"HP traditionally has very low burnout rates of 2-3% annually," said spokesperson Lucy Sansouci. "The industry average is over five percent. Our most successful competitors average eight percent."

The company measures burnout rate by a complex formula involving unannounced departures, work-related shouting matches, and employee heart attacks.

HP plans to address the "burnout gap" with a series of measures, including:
- Shortening project schedules by 3% per month, 36% per year
- High cholesterol menus in the cafeteria
- Smaller cubicles and less air circulation
- Employee directed layoffs, determined by "Survivor" style secret ballots
- Eliminating one-fifth of managerial positions
- More frequent communication from the Executive Council

"Bringing our burnout numbers in line benefits everybody," said Ms. Sansouci. "Shareholders benefit from the improved earnings. Employees benefit because profit sharing money is spread over a smaller base. This is the creative approach to reinvention that shows the world we are working in a garage."

[Note - making the rounds, no idea who the author is, and probably for good reason. Styled after a real press release - ed.]

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