| RHF Joke Archives |

What follows are the latest entries in the one-liner file. These are jokes which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately. I post such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it. Particularly selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed.

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>From: greg@apple2.com
>Organization: II Infinitum
>Subject: The Truth Is... In Florida?

With all the international coverage in the press, I don't think anyone can ever again deny that the U.S. Government has been involved in Elian Abductions.

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>From: tdixon@phdinc.com
>Subject: Post Consumer Content

I got this in e-mail from my Dad:

Question for all you extra bright folk out there. I had a hamburger at McDonalds yesterday and happened to look at the package it was in and it says 33% recycled paper and then under that "15% past consumer content." Does anyone have any idea what that is? In particular, is it still referring to the paper, or to the hamburger?

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>From: hudson@kitsune.swcp.com (Tramm Hudson)
>Organization: Stunt Programmers, Intl
>Subject: Bug free code--the Microsoft way

While browsing through compute books I happened upon Steve Maguire's "Writing Solid Code: Microsoft's Techniques for Developing Bug-Free C Programs" (ISBN 1-55615-551-4).

I wonder if the author is aware of the irony in the subtitle or if he really feels that Microsoft produces bug-free programs.

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>From: jokeotday-owner@listbot.com (Seals)
>Subject: Shuttlecock eating dog

My dog Minton ate two shuttlecocks yesterday.

Bad Minton.

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>From: kennedyc@indy.net (Christina Kennedy)
>Subject: love makes you ill

The ILOVEYOU virus --- just another hex-ually transmitted disease.

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>From: marksr@bellatlantic.net (Rob Marks)
>Subject: PKzip Founder Dies

AP reported that Phil Katz, developer of the popular PKZip software = compression utility died recently. I wonder if he will be buried in a = really small coffin?

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>From: bassmstr@westol.com (Steve Bassler)
>Subject: IRS

I called the IRS the other day. A Chinese woman answered. I guess the Clinton administration is trying to cut out the middle man.

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>From: Brian.Milner@brunel.ac.uk (Brian D Milner)
>Subject: Microsoft to split in two?

I hear Microsoft is to split into two halves.

One half will run the software business, the other will calculate Bill Gate's wages.

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>From: chuckg@lexis-nexis.com (Charles Greenwald)
>Organization: Lexis-Nexis
>Subject: Q. What's the difference between Batman and Bill Gates?

A. When Batman fought the Penguin, he won.

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>From: sailking@worldnet.att.net (sailking)
>Subject: Is this cool ?

"I thought that having my own web page was pretty cool, until I noticed that my deodorant has ITS own web page" Dr. Joy Brown

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>From: phudson@pobox.com (Paul Hudson)
>Subject: How do you scare a venture capitalist?

Seen in the Financial Times:

Q: How do you scare a venture capitalist?

A: Boo!

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>From: tdixon@phdinc.com
>Subject: Los Alamos == Hiroshima

Looking at pictures of the Los Alamos fire, I was struck with an irony:

Los Alamos now looks a lot like Hiroshima.

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>From: leflora@vzinet.com
>Subject: Raising kids the right way

Bring up your child in the way he should go...and when he is grown, he'll sue you.

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>From: jokeotday-owner@listbot.com (Seals)
>Subject: Men and mad cow disease

Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?

A: Men are pigs.

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>From: Rolfe@ieway.com (Tim Rolfe)
>Subject: Optical exercise web site

Did you hear about the web site with eye exercises to help alleviate eye strain when you've been working on-line too long?

It's a site for sore eyes.

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>From: aa006@chebucto.ns.ca (Kevin Alexander James Nugent)
>Subject: make up your own title guys

Since the ILOVEYOU virus came from the Philippines, shouldn't it have been called the MELOVEYOULONGTIME virus?

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>From: corey@cossentino.com (Corey Cossentino)
>Subject: 10 years younger?

I recently got a junk mail advertisement with the subject "Increase Sexual Potency - Feel 10 Years Younger."

I don't recall being very sexually potent when I was 6 years old though...

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>From: jokeotday-owner@listbot.com (Seals)
>Subject: Mother's Day and Father's Day

Q: Mothers have Mother's Day and fathers have Father's Day. What do single bloke have?

A: Palm Sunday.

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>From: felix@nice.usergroup.ethz.ch (Felix Rauch)
>Organization: NiCE - NeXT User Group, Zuerich, Switzerland
>Subject: Trendy vacuum cleaner

At the computer science department of ETH Zurich, the cleaning staff uses a funny little vacuum cleaner that is round, orange and has an Apple-sticker on it.

I guess they want us to call it "iVac."

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>From: charles.egert@wanadoo.fr (Charles Egert)
>Subject: dental humor

Then there was my dentist in Paris who I heard one day mutter half to himself while examining my teeth "I could fix that but you'll be dead before it starts really bothering you."

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>From: jokeotday-owner@listbot.com (Seals)
>Subject: Plumber with distraught woman

This plumber is trying to placate a woman in her flooded kitchen. "Listen madam," he says to her, "Crying only makes it worse."

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>From: TMoller292@aol.com
>Subject: college president

The relationship between a college president and the faculty is the same as between a fire hydrant and a pack of dogs. Heard from Jean Richardson, long time President of Del Mar College.

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>From: getefix@my-deja.com (Getefix)
>Subject: Agnostic Church

I'm on the lookout for an Agnostic church. Unfortunately, nobody I ask is sure if one exists :(

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>From: dworkin@best.com (P. Dworkin)
>Subject: Pretty good as excuses go

Ronald Kadish, director of the US ballistic missle defense program explaining why they're having so much trouble shooting down warheads:

"This is rocket science"

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>From: LMOSER@bloomberg.net (LEON MOSER, BLOOMBERG/ NEW YORK)
>Subject: March On Washington

After the Million Man March and the Million Mom March, and considering how academic jobs are in short supply these days, I thought someone should organize a 1x10^6 Mathematician March.

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>From: tonywoodtw@aol.com (Tonywoodtw)
>Organization: AOL, http://www.aol.co.uk
>Subject: 'Members' of Parliament, UK

Quote from 'The Independent', 17th May 2000, on the plight of female MPs in the UK:

"There are very few women's lavatories. Loos marked with the words "Members Only" are for men."

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>From: Jon@cross-x.com (Jon Cass)
>Subject: Stop and Shop Merger

Stop and Shop merged with A&P. They're going to call it Stop and P.

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>From: jpoutre@lehman.com (Joseph and Connie Poutre)
>Organization: The Cats' House
>Subject: A new subtitle for a current movie

Gladiator:

The Gory that was Rome

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>From: ando4@earthlink.net (Jonathan Anderson)
>Subject: Puns

Heralds don't pun. They cant.

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>From: cp4v@superfly.astro.virginia.edu (Chris Palma)
>Subject: gun control slogan

Heard on the Joey Reynolds radio show:

"Guns don't kill people, husbands who come home early kill people."

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>From: dselesky@ma.ultranet.com (Don Selesky)
>Subject: Updated proverb for this millenium

Give a man a fish, and you've fed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you can sell him a ton of accessories.

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>From: hrdlicka@inil.com (hrdlicka)
>Subject: Fat Chance

How do you make five pounds of fat attractive?

Put a nipple on it.

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>From: Rolfe@ieway.com (Tim Rolfe)
>Subject: Liz Taylor's tribulations

Drag queen, overheard in a gay bar: "I've always wanted to look like Liz Taylor. Now she's beginning to look more and more like ME!"

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>From: lyndale@argonet.co.uk (Luke Anders)
>Subject: Petrol crisis

Q: What costs $32 a barrel and swears?
A: Crude oil.

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>From: pearl@sw.stratus.com (Dan Pearl)
>Subject: The Sound of Less Than Two Million Hands Clapping

An organizer for the "Million Agoraphobics March" expressed disappointment in the turnout for last weekend's event.

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