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In this era of mergers and takeovers, what might we see in the near future....
"Thank you for calling the MSBoeing Customer Support phone center. To assist you better, please select one of the following from our menu."
"If you are a new customer wishing to purchase MSBoeing Windows 787, press one."
"If you are an existing customer wishing to report an undocumented feature of the MSBoeing 787, please press two."
[beep]
"Thank you. Please hold through the silence."
"If you wish to report an undocumented avioincs feature, press one. If you wish to report an undocumented engine feature, please press two. If you wish to report an undocumented structural feature, please press three. For all other undoc--"
[beep]
"Thank you. Please continue to hold through the silence."
"If you are wishing to report an undocumented crew cabin feature, press one. If you wish to report an undocumented passenger compartment feature, please press two. If you wish to report an undocumented wing feature, please press three."
[beep]
"Thank you."
"Please state clearly the nature of your undocumented wing feature of the MSBoeing Windows 787. Please press the pound key when you are done."
"Um, the wings fell off." [beep]
"That was an invalid entry. Please repeat the nature of your undocumented wing feature now and press the pound key when you are done."
"Goddammit, the wings fell off." [beep]
"Thank you. You said yor UWF was 'Goddammit, the wings fell off.'" If this is incorrect, press one. If this is correct, please press two."
[beep]
"Thank you. We are processing your UWF. A certified MSBoeing Customer Support Engineer will be with you in... three minutes. While you are waiting, we hope you will enjoy today's Customer Support music choice: "Iron Butterfly" as performed by Yanni & John Tesh. Thank you again for choosing MSBoeing as your integrated flight hardware and software provider."
"Your call is being transferred now."
"Hello, this is MSBoeing Customer Support Engineer Sylvia Rosenthal. Will you please give me your name and your MSBoeing Windows 787 registration number?"
"Dammit, lady, the wings fell off!"
"I'm sorry, sir, I cannot process your call without your name and registration number. Did you keep your registration card, sir? Many people mistakenly throw it away with the shink wrap."
"No, I didn't... here it is. Alpha Niner Seven Niner Tango Tango Foxtrot; my name is James Stephens."
"That is A979TTF, Mr. Stephens?"
"Yes, now hurry!"
"I'm sorry, Mr. Stephens, but I show that copy of MSBoeing Windows 787 licensed to a Mr. Gilbert Lovell."
"Gil is the captain, but he got knocked out when the damned wings fell off! I'm the co-pilot."
"I'm sorry, sir, but this copy of MSBoeing Windows 787 is listed as a single-user license. I cannot accept a call from anyone other than the registered licensee."
"Aaaauuughhh! the man's unconscious and we are falling to our death, don't you understand?"
"Please, sir, shouting will not resolve this matter. I can upgrade you to MSBoeing Windows 787 NT, if you'd like. That comes with a 10-user license."
"Yes, yes, go ahead!"
"Very well, sir. If you will put Mr. Lovell on the line so he can authorize the upgrade--"
"If I could put him on the phone, I wouldn't have to buy the damned upgrade!"
"I'm sorry, sir, but my hands are tied. I am empowered to record any last messages, however, due to the emergent nature of your phone call."
"Yeah. Next time we're getting our plane from LockheedLinux!"
[by RJ Johnson, Copyright 2000 by Rich M. Johnson]
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