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After visiting my loved ones in the hospital a few too many times, I have developed some translations of medical-speak:

What doctors or nurses say ---- What they mean.

You may feel pressure ---- I am going to stick a needle in you. Its going to hurt.

You may feel some pressure ---- I'm going to use the needle to hunt around for a vein. It'll hurt even more.

You'll feel a little pinch ---- I'm going to stick a much bigger needle in you. You do the math.

We can aspirate that ---- You thought those other needles were big, wait till you see big molly!

We'll have to evacuate that ---- We are going to cut you open and remove parts of your living flesh.

The procedure was more complex that we anticipated --- I cut out lots of stuff and, wow, is it going to hurt!

A nurse from "Pain Management" will visit you ---- I cut deep, too!

We believe that pain management is important ---- We believe that its important that you complain about pain to your nurse from "pain management," not to us.

How much does it hurt, on a scale of 1-10? ---- Below five, Tylenol.. 5-8, percocet... 9-10 disable the call button.

You can reach me at any time ---- You can reach my answering machine at any time.

This is my pager number ---- You cannot even reach my answering machine.

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