| RHF Joke Archives | 
What follows are the latest entries in the true news file. These are jokes which are funny, but which didn't really warrant posting separately. I post such a digest whenever I have enough entries to warrant it. Particularly selective readers will probably not enjoy the digests, and may want to killfile RHF jokes with "Digest" in the title - ed.
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>From: sitaram@diac.com (Sitaram Chamarty)
>Subject: A cure worse than the disease?
Ad in "Westword" (see below for attribution):
"Beautiful SEX Addict"
Will striptease to pay for therapy.
610-xxxx
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>From: jloo@polaris.umuc.edu (Jonathan D Loo)
>Subject: saw this on a garbage truck (true)
Saw this advertising slogan on a garbage truck:
Satisfaction guaranteed or double your trash back.
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>From: acapella@indigo.ie (Fiach McHugh)
>Organization: Indigo
>Subject: Lifeguard
Heard on local radio Galway Bay FM today 23 Aug 1999
Lifeguard required, must have up-to-date certificates in
resurrection......
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>From: peter@flur.com (Peter W. Flur)
>Subject: The Mets hire Sir Isaac Newton
When asked about momentum going into tonight's game, Mets manager Bobby
Valentine was quoted as saying: "I don't think there is any momentum going
into tonights game, but I think it's up to the starting pitchers to keep the
momentum going.."
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>From: andycheung2000@hotmail.com (Andrew Cheung)
>Subject: Animal hospital opens in Turkey
Turkish Government Minister Yuksel Yalova was recently asked to mark the
opening of a new veterinary hospital in this country in Asia Minor. He was
less than pleased when a ram and a calf were sacrificed in his honour in the
city of Izmir. He intervened to stop a second ram being sacrificed observing
that "On a day like this, especially at the opening of an animal hospital,
scenes like this are really not appropriate."
From NewScientist Magazine.
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>From: mblase@yahoo.com (Marty Blase)
>Subject: Where did you see it last?
Saw this headline in my online Chicago news feed today:
O'Hare Security Found Lax
Right where they left it in Los Angeles, I imagine....
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>From: ed@csd.uwm.edu (Edwin Ahrenhoerster)
>Subject: Y2K Governor's letter
The following is from an official letter from the State of Wisconsin
Office of the Governor, sent out just last week. I think I'm moving
to Illinois.
"... To help assess Y2K readiness in Wisconsin's public and
private sectors, I established the Governor's Blue Ribbon
Commission on Year 200 Preparedness, ..."
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>From: mark@wutka.com (Mark Wutka)
>Subject: Favorite Hymns - true story
My mom still has an old "Baptist Hymnal" used by many Southern Baptist
Churches. Hymn number 69 is "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing."
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>From: aee@mindless.com (aaron engelhart)
>Subject: y1.9k compliant
when i was out of town for christmas, i saw a bank's marquee advertising
its y2k compliance:
"we're ready for 0-0-00!!"
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>From: silver@phoenyx.net (Karen J. Cravens)
>Subject: Visualized but not verbalized
Some people mentally read their email "out loud." My mother is not one of
these people. While discussing my sister's Christmas list, my mother
asked me the following:
"She had whirled peas on her list. Do you know where to get them?"
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>From: karl@houseknecht.net (Karl L. Houseknecht)
After what must have been a grueling day for Tom Brokaw and Katie Couric,
who reported live from Times Square all day on December 31, 1999, Tom had
this interesting little line:
"Perhaps the most remarkable event in the last 50 years has been the
elevation of the American woman. Not just here, but in countries around the
world."
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>From: n2122012069_ch@chch.demon.co.uk (Charles Bryant)
>Subject: Hidden warning
AOL are running a big free trial promotion in the U.K. where they mail
out CDs with special registration numbers and passwords. I got one of
them, but I'm wondering if there's a warning message in the password.
It's PLEBS-HECKLE.
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>From: SpryteKFA@aol.com
>Subject: Now hiring WHAT???
I worked at a restaurant whose marquee read:
NOW HIRING
CLOSERS $5.25 / HR
What's funny about that you ask? Well, imagine our embarrassment when wind
blew the letter "C" off the sign.
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>From: bartelNObaSPAM@my-deja.com.invalid (lb3)
>Organization: http://www.remarq.com: The World's Usenet/Discussions Start Here
>Subject: Amen, Brother
This is a true story.
My wife and I were in a church service. There was an older gentleman
in the audience near the front who would periodically interject a
"Praise God" or "Amen, brother." During the sermon, the pastor began
speaking about Solomon and mentioned his 700 wives and concubines when
the old man said, "Lord have mercy."
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>From: frank@wheat.tc.cornell.edu (Frank Adelstein)
>Subject: INS gets medieval?
In the "Breaking News" box on altavista, I noticed the following headline,
which I stared at in horror, trying to parse the words properly, but
always coming up with the same gruesome image:
Grandmas Head to Meet Elian
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>From: Bill.Innanen@mindspring.com (Bill Innanen)
>Subject: Reuters headline
A Reuters headline from 11 Feb 2000 as listed on CNN.com:
"Methodists Clear 69 Ministers in Lesbian Wedding"
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>From: scott@encommerce.com (Scott Riegelhaupt-Herzig)
>Organization: enCommerce, Inc.
>Subject: I guess all the sane CEOs were taken...
Associated Press headline that I spotted today:
Coke Officially Names Daft CEO
Maybe I'll just keep buying Dr. Pepper...:-)
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>From: graham_pearson@yahoo.com (=?iso-8859-1?q?Graham=20Pearson?=)
>Subject: Out of the mouths of babes and listings guides...
From the Scoot cinema guide
(http://cinema.scoot.co.uk) comes the following:
AMERICAN BEAUTY (Unknown)
So do they really not know what certificate it's got,
or is this a scurrilous comment about our friends
across the Atlantic?
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>From: dvekhter@cyclone.Stanford.EDU (Daniel Vekhter)
>Subject: Web-Watch
While surfing through Yahoo! today, I came upon an entry for a company
called Web-Watch (http://www.web-watch.com) that was said to check your
web site every 15 minutes and notify you if your site is unavailable.
Intrigued, I clicked on the link.
Of course, Netscape came back with an error--the site was down.
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>From: jdegood@sarnoff.com (JOHN DEGOOD)
>Organization: Sarnoff Corporation
>Subject: Doh!
I discovered this subconscious slip in the latest Microsoft
"Insider Update for Preferred Customers" email.
> WINDOWS 98 SECOND EDITION
> The Microsoft operating system for homer users.
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>From: flstf@mail.com (Hog Rider)
>Subject: Funniest banner ad yet
This one asked the question "Do you click on banner ads?" and had an option
for "yes," and one for "no." I ALMOST clicked on "no" to see what
happens... :)
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>From: gansok@digisle.net (Gary Ansok)
>Organization: Digital Island Inc., Professional Services Organization
>Subject: out-of-control campaigning
Actual side-by-side headlines:
* Get to Work on Gun Laws, Clinton Urges Congress
* Gore, Bush Exchange Shots As Campaign Begins
(seen on Yahoo's "Top Stories from Reuters," 15 Mar 2000 1320 PST)
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>From: john@schrodinger.com
>Subject: Black Screen of Death
Seen recently in the subway, a billboard divided in two with the following
ads side by side:
Windows2000 is coming! | Pitch Black
| Fight evil with evil.
This might confirm what I've always suspected, pulling the plug is the
only means of escape.
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>From: ginsberg@once.cirl.uoregon.edu (Matthew L. Ginsberg)
>Subject: billboard outside San Francisco
"Key pure ice under owed"
under which it says, "Say it out loud." After you read the main
message about 40 times trying to figure it out, it's not clear whether
you're supposed to say it out loud before or after driving into the
car in front of you.
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>From: stacey@dim.com (Stacey Capps)
>Subject: I Want My Mommy
Recently, a 12-year-old boy in Ohio pulled a gun on his sixth grade
class. When asked why after the incident, the child said that he
wanted to be taken to jail so that he could be with his mother.
And they say that family values are declining in America.
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>From: qarnos@ozemail.com.au (QarnoS)
>Organization: Anti-Conservation Foundation of Australia
>Subject: Do You Yahoo?
I got this e-mail from Yahoo! Account Services. It was the last
paragraph that stumped me:
"Or, if you do not have internet access, please reply to this email
(and make sure to copy this entire email in your reply) with
REMOVE as the subject line."
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>From: jha@manx2.demon.co.uk (John Atkinson)
>Subject: Neutering is good for you!
An advertisement for the National canine Defence League
contains this:
"So if you want to know more about neutering and why it's
best for you and your dog, give is a call."
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>From: zeekamotay@hotmail.com (Joe Czhlobatnik)
>Subject: funny error message (or is it a hint) in tax software
Until recently, my favorite example of a poorly worded computer message was,
"Click Finish to continue installing Windows 98." Having just received this
error notification while preparing my federal return with Turbo Tax, it's
going to be a tough choice now: "Taxpayer YTD salary is too large."
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