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The other day, my beloved wife of many years turned to me during an otherwise suspiciously ordinary dinner and out of the blue asked why is it that MEN always stare at twenty- something gals and leave their wives for the latter at every opportunity. Recognizing a marital land-mine, I failed to skirt the issue by changing the subject. I promised to answer in writing:

20SGF--20-something girlfriend

BWOMY--beloved wife of many years

** Subject: General Worship and Admiration

20SGF:
Hangs on to your every word as if you were channeling Buddha and Einstein
in a single breath. Begins conversations with her girlfriends with
"You know, my beloved says..."

BWOMY:
Remembers every screw-up and broken promise you've made since the mid-80's
and brings it up at the weekly "My husband is dumber than your husband"
sparring matches with her girlfriends. Begins conversations with "Just
wait till you hear what MY husband said the other night..."

** Subject: Sex

20SGF:
Excellent. Imaginative. Wild. Passionate.

BWOMY:
Excellent. Imaginative. Wild. Passionate. You only wish she were there
so you wouldn't have to be so alone.

** Subject: Do I look fat in this?

20SGF:
"Yum!"

BWOMY:
"No, not at all, darling. I love you and cherish you and will do so for
the rest of my life."

** Subject: Her girlfriends

20SGF:
A gorgeous flock of young happy things who come over every Friday to hang
out topless in your hot tub. You become known for your excellent foot
massages.

BWOMY:
A scary crew of divorced, menopausal, dreary man-haters who hog the hot
tub every Friday to complain about hot flashes. Sometimes you try to imagine
them topless and fail.

** Subject: Her outfits

20SGF:
Likes wearing thongs. She makes you guess, by touch alone, what color
they are.

BWOMY:
They are white, they are NOT thongs, and you only get to touch them when
they've been demoted to dusters and it's your turn to dust the god-damned
bric-a-brac.

** Subject: Travel

20SGF:
Her stuff fits in a backpack. Toothbrush, tanning oil, a bright yellow
two-piece and a few fluff novels.

BWOMY:
She packs the backpack into a a 55-gallon pink designer suitcase with squeaky
wheels. She brings a hair-dryer and warm socks to Hawaii and stuffs a jumbo
case of ultra-Maxis into your carry-on.

** Subject: Home Repair

20SGF:
She can fix a leaking faucet and is looking forward to you teaching her to
rewire the kitchen. She looks ravishing in a toolbelt.

BWOMY:
She can't believe that the faucet is still leaking and she's found that
hammer you were looking for and she can't believe that you couldn't find
the hammer and threw that fit yesterday, when the hammer was where it
always is and why can't you simply organize your tools and keep track
of them a little better and aren't you going to take care of that faucet
today? It is still dripping... And the god-damned hammer's missing again.

** Subject: TV watching

20SGF:
She watches TV with you.

BWOMY:
She watches TV against you. The latter takes two forms:
a) Watching the "Hidden Flaws of Your Husband" day-time talk shows to
better scrutinize your every move.
b) Insisting on describing the gory details of Marcy's varicose vein
operation while Inspector Callahan is reloading.

** Subject: Cars

20SGF:
She runs the Miata out of gas and calls you at work to be her knight in
shining armor. Your reward is so satisfying that you almost wish it would
happen again.

BWOMY:
She calls you from a PTA field trip to the food recycling worm-farm. The
Voyager threw a rod and is sitting at Harry's Garage and Bait Shop,
and it takes two trips to bring her two girlfriends (see above) and the
seven snotty kids back to civilization in your Toyota. They don't like
your music. The smell of rotting vegetables follows you for weeks.

** Subject: Her Magazines

20SGF:
She buys Cosmo and actually experiments with the "10 Ways to Make Him
Forget His Own Name." You forget your own name.

BWOMY:
She buys the Architectural Digest and gazes disapprovingly at your home
improvement efforts.

** Subject: General Appearance

20SGF:
Firm breasts, sexy butt

BWOMY:
She's the mother of your children!

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