Sermon on the Mount (Bush Version)

Jesus advanced many great ideas, and it is well accepted that the vital core of his teachings can be found in what is referred to as the "Sermon on the Mount." In his inaugural, President Bush directly cited the sermon as a source of American values. Clearly, however, President Bush has updated those teachings somewhat to make them easier to follow. Here follows the text of the Sermon on the Mount, as perceived by President Bush.

And seeing the multitudes, he went up into a mountain: and when he was set, his disciples came unto him:
And he opened his mouth, and taught them, saying,
Blessed are the poor in spirit: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. For the non-poor back on earth, theirs is a tax-cut.
Blessed are they that mourn: for they shall be comforted if they be American, but even then to list the names of their dead on TV shall be unpatriotic.
Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. However, inheriting takes too long, so those who are strong and remain certain, even in spite of new evidence, are the only ones who can inspire the troops, and thus can conquer the earth directly.
Blessed are they which do hunger and thirst after righteousness: for they shall be filled, though it is OK to encourage a despot's subjects into rebellion with the promise of your help, and then cut them loose.
Blessed are the merciful: for they shall obtain mercy. However, this applies only to other nations: for those who harbor our enemies, there can be no mercy.
Blessed are the pure in heart: for they shall see God. A little negative campaigning won't prevent you from seeing God, though.
Blessed are the warmakers, for while they may not be called the children of God the way those peacemakers will, they can at least rid the world of Saddam, and make it a better place, whether he was a threat or not.
Blessed are they which are persecuted for righteousness' sake: for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
Blessed are ye, when men shall revile you, and persecute you, and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Excepting of course in thy political ads.
Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great is your reward in heaven: for so persecuted the vast left-wing conspiracy the prophets which were before you.
Ye are the salt of the earth: but if the salt have lost his savour, wherewith shall it be salted? it is thenceforth good for nothing, but to be cast out, and to be trodden under foot of men. So seek ye not contributions from the salt lobby.
Ye are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid. So you must classify information that might be politically embarassing.
Neither do men light a candle, and put it under a bushel, but on a candlestick; and it giveth light unto all that are in the house. However, this does not mean you need to give too many press conferences, that's too much light for one house.
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven. But grant ye not FOIA requests from thine enemies, who will surely misinterpret what they see in that light.
Think not that I am come to destroy the law, or the prophets: I am not come to destroy, but to fulfil.
For verily I say unto you, Till heaven and earth pass, one jot or one tittle shall in no wise pass from the law, till all be fulfilled.
Whosoever therefore shall break one of these least commandments, and shall teach men so, he shall be called the least in the kingdom of heaven: but whosoever shall do and teach them, the same shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven. Offer void in Texas.
For I say unto you, That except your righteousness shall exceed the righteousness of the scribes and Pharisees, ye shall in no case enter into the kingdom of heaven but this need not apply to future self-righteous leaders.
Ye have heard that it was said of them of old time, Thou shalt not kill; and whosoever shall kill shall be in danger of the judgment: Except of course in time of war or in causing collateral damage while unseating a dictator, or if on death row.
But I say unto you, That whosoever is angry with his brother without a cause shall be in danger of the judgment: and whosoever shall say to his brother, Raca, shall be in danger of the council: but whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire. Of course, if one really wanted to believe that thy brother had weapons of mass destruction then one can be angry without them actually being there.
Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the altar, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee;
Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.
Agree with thine adversary quickly, whiles thou art in the way with him; lest at any time the adversary deliver thee to the judge, and the judge deliver thee to the officer, and thou be cast into prison. Though not before any world court, where only your people shalt be exempt.
Verily I say unto thee, Thou shalt by no means come out thence, till thou hast paid the uttermost farthing.
Ye have heard that it was said by them of old time, Thou shalt not commit adultery, if one is a Democrat.
But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart, particularly if one is a Democrat.
And if thy advisor offend thee by getting caught, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
And if thy right hand offend thee even though as Secretary of State he be the only man of integrity in thy cabinet, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
It hath been said, Whosoever shall put away his wife, let him give her a writing of divorcement:
But I say unto you, That whosoever shall put away his wife, saving for the cause of fornication, causeth her to commit adultery: and whosoever shall marry her that is divorced committeth adultery. But on second thought, this isn't really the big attack on the sanctity of marriage, everybody does this. What I really meant to say was that any effort to marry people of the same sex doth trump all this in thy column of badness.
Again, ye have heard that it hath been said by them of old time, Thou shalt not forswear thyself, but shalt perform unto the Lord thine oaths:
But I say unto you, Swear not at all; neither by heaven; for it is God's throne:
Nor by the earth; for it is his footstool: neither by Jerusalem; for it is the city of the great King.
Neither shalt thou swear by thy head, because thou canst not make one hair white or black.
But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. Which means that if you swear to uphold the constitution, the lord sayeth that doesn't really count.
Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth:
But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also unless very sketchy intelligence doth claim he has WMD, or if he be Arab and detainable on trumped up charges.
And if any man will sue thee at the law, and take away thy coat, let him have thy cloak also. Ha-ha. Jesus was just kidding here.
And whosoever shall compel thee to go a mile, go with him twain. Jesus is such a kidder.
Give to him that asketh thee, and from him that would borrow of thee turn not thou away. Got you again. Jesus would never say such Marxist things.
Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy.
But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; yet at the same time you must attack and root them out, and attack those who harbour them, and those who have associated with them. Those that curse you in your own country are traitors, and thou shalt arrest and harass them where possible.
That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.
For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the republicans the same?
And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the republicans so? So if they did not support you before, tell them how they are welcome to do so now, and win your salute and love.
Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. Or at least as good as your Father who was President before.

Matthew 6

Take heed that ye do not your alms before men, to be seen of them: otherwise ye have no reward of your Father which is in heaven, excepting during the campaign.
Therefore when thou doest thine alms, do not sound a trumpet before thee, as the hypocrites do in the synagogues and in the streets, that they may have glory of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward. Except, of course, if thou shalt enter public life, where others may not vote for thee if thou dost not trumpet one's alms.
But when thou doest alms, let not thy left hand know what thy right hand doeth: much as it is within thine intelligence community.
That thine alms may be in secret: and thy Father which seeth in secret himself shall reward thee openly.
And when thou prayest, thou shalt not be as the hypocrites are: for they love to pray standing in the synagogues and in the corners of the streets, that they may be seen of men. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward which is victory in an election.
But thou, when thou prayest, enter into thy closet, and when thou hast shut thy door, pray to thy Father which is in secret; and thy Father which seeth in secret shall reward thee openly. Except if thou doest run for office, and most loudly proclaim thy faith as much as possible to attract the religious vote. Then make all know that God speaks to you directly and has put you on His mission.
But when ye pray, use not vain repetitions, as the heathen do: for they think that they shall be heard for their much speaking. It be well, however, in each speech to command the lord to bless your country.
Be not ye therefore like unto them: for your Father knoweth what things ye have need of, before ye ask him.
After this manner therefore pray ye: Our Father which art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done in earth, as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread, then let us transferest it to the Caymans.
And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors. Though the bankruptcy code is probably a bit loose.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil: For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever. Amen.
For if ye forgive men at least those we don't label terrorist their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you:
But if ye forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
Moreover when ye fast, be not, as the hypocrites, of a sad countenance: for they disfigure their faces, that they may appear unto men to fast. Verily I say unto you, They have their reward.
But thou, when thou fastest, anoint thine head, and wash thy face;
That thou appear not unto men to fast, but unto thy Father which is in secret: and thy Father, which seeth in secret, shall reward thee openly.
Lay not up for yourselves treasures upon earth, where moth and rust doth corrupt, and where thieves break through and steal: Though if these treasures lie buried beneath a wildlife preserve, lay them up onto the ground.
But lay up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where neither moth nor rust doth corrupt, and where thieves do not break through nor steal:
For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.
The light of the body is the eye: if therefore thine eye be single, thy whole body shall be full of light.
But if thine eye be evil, thy whole body shall be full of darkness. If therefore the light that is in thee be darkness, how great is that darkness! Presidents are excepted for they must do some evil things to help their country.
No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. Thus though you might actually make the goverment more a servent of mammon with a greater debt than any other administration, it is important you claim this was not your intention.
Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?
Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? So it doesn't matter if social security runs out of money, the lord will provide.
Therefore take no thought, saying, What shall we eat? or, What shall we drink? or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed?
(For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things.
But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.
Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.

Matthew 7

Judge not, that ye be not judged. But if you appoint another to judge for you, assure he will not judge as they did in Dredd Scott, ie. as they did in Roe vs. Wade.
For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. Excepting if thou takest away thy sister's choice, your choices shall be retained to you.
And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother's eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Excepting if they bother be gay, for that is an attack upon you.
Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and, behold, a beam is in thine own eye?
Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother's eye. This is good advice for the Democrats.
Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn again and rend you.
Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent? But if he asks for civil rights, give him the Patriot Act.
If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?
Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.
Enter ye in at the strait gate: for wide is the gate, and broad is the way, that leadeth to destruction, and many there be which go in thereat:
Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it.
Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep's clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves. And this shall be a great metaphor for your political ads.
Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?
Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit. Nor should such be allowed to marry.
A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.
Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. The lord refers to California here.
Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven.
Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works?
And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.
Therefore whosoever heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them, I will liken him unto a wise man, which built his house upon a rock:
And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell not: for it was founded upon a rock.
And every one that heareth these sayings of mine, and doeth them not, shall be likened unto a foolish man, which built his house upon the sand:
And the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and it fell: and great was the fall of it.
And it came to pass, when Jesus had ended these sayings, the people were astonished at his doctrine:
For he taught them as one having authority, and not as the scribes.

I'm Jesus Christ, and I approved this message.